Friday, 12 August 2011

The Slags' Almanac

During the 1980’s at drama school, my Scottish best friend and I invented an imaginary book called ‘The Slags’ Almanac’ - a guide to shortcuts for the lazy or cash-strapped girl about town.  I’m aware that there’s now a book published with the same name but I’ve been unable to find much information about it.

Anyway, we were doing it first (ner-nicky-ner-ner) so here are a few of the entries we had for ours.  Some we were guilty of (I’m not saying which!), some we were aware of others doing and some are entirely fictitious.


If you’ve not taken your make up of for a few days (yuck) simply pick the clumpy bits of mascara off and add a new coat.

Not had time for a bath and you’ve only got yesterday’s tights to wear?  Put the tights on and wash your feet in a bowl.  Simple!  Feet and tights now clean! Really?

If you’re wearing a longish dress, only shave the bits of leg that show!  Or wear pop-socks.  Remember not to dance too wildly though or all will be revealed.  Attractive!

Only iron the bits of clothes that can be seen.  And remember, if you’re too lazy to get the ironing board out and you perform this on the floor, you will end up with sticky bits of carpet ironed to your clothes.  And iron-shaped marks on your shagpile!

If on the Tube you suddenly realise that the knickers you forget to remove from your jeans the night before are slowly working their way down your inside leg, simply wriggle, bend, subtly remove and place in handbag.

If your hair’s really greasy, pull it back into a pony tail or bun then shampoo and dry the fringe only.

A half-eaten sticky cereal bar in the bottom of your handbag is great for gathering all the rubbish and muck that you’ve forgotten to take out.  Within a month it will be covered in tissues, tampons, fug, cotton buds, false eye-lashes and bus tickets.

Not had your ball gown dry cleaned and been invited to a last minute function?  Scrub the arm holes with soap and blast with a hair-dryer and deodorant.

No time to clean the house before guests arrive?  Open the windows, blow the majority of the dust, clean the loo and spray perfume.  Offer very strong drinks.

If you realise your court shoes haven’t seen a tin of polish for a while, head to the nearest escalator and run them under the bristles on the sides as you travel up and down a few times.  Also, if they need re-heeling, touch up the scuffed bits with a felt tip pen.

If cooking trays become too filthy to clean, stick them in the back garden.  The rain will either pelt the filth away or someone else will get sick of seeing them there and set to work.  Alternatively they will rust and you’ll have to buy nice new ones to mess up.

When cooking for a dinner party, use every utensil, bowl, dish and gadget to create your culinary delights.  Cover all work services and cupboards in the debris of your artistic flair - no work surface should be free of flour, vegetable peelings or egg yoke.  Once finished, dash upstairs to make yourself glam for the night and return to find that hubbie has the kitchen spick and span.

Any stain known to man can be removed with a baby wipe.  God only knows what they must do to babies’ bums but they strip fake tan from legs, beetroot from a white T-shirt and ink from linen trousers.  Don’t dry clean, wet wipe!

Are you guilty of any of these?  Come on, ladies, ‘fess up!  Or would you like to add your own?

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1 comment:

  1. I started reading this going 'har-har I do that' but then got to the end realising I'm probably guilty of most of these to be quite honest! (blushes) I was even thinking there's some very good tips here..... And whoever invented baby wipes is a genius. Yup, I put the slattern into 'slatternly'. Nice!