Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Excuse me, you just got my goat

I’m running with one of the Twitter trends today with “Ways to Pee me off”.  I know I’ve blogged about my Room 101’s before (see older post), so I’m venting my spleen purely about overly-used or irritating phrases.  I may be guilty of using some of them myself but there are a few here that I would never use and they just drive me nuts!

I admit that sometimes it’s not necessarily about what’s being said but the tone with which it’s delivered and whether or not it’s coming from the right place with good intentions.

So let’s kick off with …

“Listen …”
Ok, I’m sitting talking to you, what else would I be doing?  Frankly, this word should never be used on anyone but a toddler in need of ‘Super Nanny’.  Please don’t say it to me, unless I appear to be hysterical or having a major temper tantrum.

“I’m not being funny but …”
So if you’re not being funny, why do you need to start the sentence with it?  I just know that I’m not going to enjoy the words which follow and you’ve set me up for a fall.  Think Nessa in ‘Gavin & Stacey’ and it says it all.  This sentence is never followed by a gag, a punch-line or even the hint of a giggle - it’s designed to cause damage.

“To be honest …”
Hmmm?  I would expect you to be honest with me all of the time.  So normally you’re not?

“If I were you …”
Yes, well you’re NOT.  You don’t walk in my shoes and have no right to tell me what you would do if you were me.
This is one of the ones that can be said at the right time to the right person when they are actually looking and asking for advice.  Never without invite.
It should also never be followed by “What you should have done …”  Hindsight is a great thing - don’t we all know that?

“They’ve gone to find themselves”
Hello?  You are where you are.  Running away to a retreat or trekking up Machu Picchu will still mean that you’ve taken the same mixed up person with you.  Deal with what you are, where you are and bloody well get on with it.  Running away means you return to the same ‘you’ - only maybe a bit more relaxed - your circumstances will still be there to overcome.

“We’re going to have a good drink”
So what’s a bad drink?  And why do you feel you need to go out and get absolutely bladdered to enjoy yourself?  It just sounds so pre-meditated and vulgar, as if it’s the be-all and end-all of your evening, rather than the company.

“If I could just stop you there?”
Actually, no, you can’t.  But because you’ve posed it so politely as a question, to make me look churlish if I refuse, I have no choice.  It doesn’t matter that I’m mid-flow with all my thoughts lined up, you’ve lost interest and decided that yours take precedence over mine.

“I did it on accident”
NO!  You did it by accident.  This appears to be a new one that kids have come up with but, I hate to say, it’s filtering into adult lingo.  What on earth is on accident?  I’m sorry it makes no sense to me.

Being a bit of a foodie and addicted to ‘Come Dine With Me’ this one just drives me to distraction.  Let’s put it right once and for all … you make a marinade and you marinate over night.  One is a noun and one is a verb.

Phew!  That feels better.

Oh boy, just heard another one I hate … “What’s for dinner?

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.


  1. Hee, I totally agree, particularly with the 'Listen' and 'I'm not trying to be funny but..'!

    Another one I would add is "Did you not..." as in "Did you not say..." or "Did you not ask...". No, I didn't, I realise now that it would have been more useful if I had asked that at the time, or would have been more funny if I'd said that at the time, but I didn't, and I can't go back and say/ask it now!

  2. You are such a riot! Love when you vent, it is so entertaining! May I add to the list: "At the end of the day." Everywhere I turn this phrase is being said!