As the rain pelts down my window pane and I resign myself to yet another year without a summer holiday, I’ve decided to take myself off to a (virtual) desert island for a month and share with you the things I’d take - food, drink, luxuries, entertainment.
I’m allowing myself four items in each category - it’s my island, my dream and you can’t stop me.
So, here I am walking along the most beautiful white, sandy beach. I’m wearing a black bikini top, with black & gold sarong and flat gold sandals. I’m tanned to perfection - not brown or leather-like, just golden - and my hair rests on my shoulders in naturally highlighted tousled curls. I’m not wearing a scrap of makeup because I don’t need it and it’s too hot. Phew, I AM GORGEOUS! (Listen, I told you, this is my island, bear with me).
All my necessities have been delivered ahead of me so the heaviest thing I have to carry are my stunningly bronzed and buoyant hooters. (As hubbie says, a lady should never carry anything heavier than her handbag or her breasts!)
I arrive at my hammock, situated outside my 5-star beach hut and check that the requests for my stay are all present and correct.
Marmite toast - I can’t live without it. If you’ve got a loaf and your friendly little jar, you’ve always got a meal.
Chocolate - Obviously! Not even going to give reasons.
Avocados - Yummy and healthy too. Could also mash and put them on the afore-mentioned toast.
Steak and Caesar salad - Nothing better than a tender, juicy sirloin steak and a nice bowl of crispy lettuce in that delicious dressing.
Tea - Good old PG tips, cooling and refreshing.
Coffee - Latte, of course. The instant pick me up.
Water - Ice-cold with a slice of lemon. I love tap water so doesn’t need to be over-priced bottled stuff.
White wine - A chilled Pinot or Chardonnay. The perfect end to my day in the sun.
Bed - Hammocks are fine for sun-bathing but I want my comfy bed at night (and a fan, please).
Bath - I’m happy to shower off the sand during the day but I will have my long bubble bath at night.
Internet connection - I’d need to keep in touch with the world, promote my book and check out my sales.
Cigarettes - Yuck, I know, but I’m an addict and I’m dreaming of a desert island here, not a bloody miracle. And I ain’t rubbing sticks, so don’t forget the lighter.
Laptop - To write my new best seller, of course. Could also watch movies, listen to music etc. Also blog and Tweet (another addiction!).
Kindle - To read those fantastic books which inspire me, including the great Indie authors I’ve discovered - power to the ‘Fabulous Feisty Indies’ (you know who you are).
Barry Manilow - I’d like Bazzer set up on a little stage in the corner of the island, surrounded by candles. He’d have his grand piano and serenade me with all his greats. I can just see me ‘getting on down’ to ‘Copacabana’ and ‘Bermuda Triangle’. I’d be shaking my maracas and shimmying my coconuts. And of course, I’d have my trusty lighter to wave above my head in the starry night sky as he sang, ‘I Write the Songs’. He’d also wind down the nights with his unique take on the Standards.
Husband & son - OK, I know that’s two and it’s cheating but it’s my dream. They are a constant source of entertainment to me and I couldn’t possibly leave them behind.
I’d also need a couple of cases of bikinis, sarongs, floaty dresses and gorgeous beach shoes.
There, that’s my holiday sorted. What are you up to this year?
“Diary of a Mummy Misfit” is available to buy on Amazon.
It’s a proper book with a plot and characters, not mad blog ramblings!
Check it out. Now also in paperback at Lulu.