I've chewed up and spat out not one but two cold callers this week. I’m still not sure what they hope to gain from their scams and I also don’t know why they’re always Asian sounding gentlemen who go by the name of Mike, John, Robert or Dick.
Let me talk you through cold caller #1
MIKE: (with very heavy accent) Good morning Madam, I am calling regarding the car accident you had.
ME: Car accident?
MIKE: Yes Madam. You have had a road traffic accident?
ME: Oh! Yes! Yes, the cow just came out of nowhere.
MIKE: (confused) No, madam, not a cow. A car.
ME: Yes. I hit a cow with my car.
MIKE: (in shock) You hit a cow with your car?
ME: (innocently) Isn’t that why you were ringing? Doesn’t it show on your records?
MIKE: (blatantly lying now) Oh yes, madam, but did you make an insurance claim?
ME: No. I didn’t think there was much point in suing a dead cow.
MIKE: (very confused now) Have you had any other accidents in the last five years?
ME: (thinking) Erm … oh wait … oh yes! I hit another cow.
MIKE: (incredulously) You hit another cow?!
ME: Yes. I don’t like cows very much.
CUE husband doing a huge MOOOOOOO in the background and me shouting out:
WATCH OUT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
CUE: Mike hanging up as he realises he’s been taken for a ride.
Cold caller #2
ROB: (heavy accent again) Good morning Madam I am calling from ***** *** ** Computer Services. We understand that you are currently experiencing difficulties with your PC and if you follow our instructions we will be able to solve your problems.
ME: (sounding like a simpleton) Oh yes, how clever of you. I have been having problems. Will you be able to help me?
ROB: (obviously rubbing his hands together thinking he’s got a right Dumbo) Yes, Madam. Now you must follow my instructions very carefully. Turn on your computer.
ME: OK. Erm … how should I do that? Should I lick it maybe, or stroke it? Maybe whisper some dirty words? What do you think would work best?
ROB: (clearly thinking he’s misheard) No Madam, turn it on.
ME: Yes, I heard you. I asked which method I should use. Licking? Stroking? Which?
ROB: (realising that he’s being wound up) You know what, Madam? If your computer is playing up you should throw it out of the window. Can you do that?
ME: Well yes. I did that this morning. So does that mean I have to go outside to lick it now? That’s jolly inconvenient you know.
ROB: (really warming to it now) Yes, Madam go outside and smash it up with your legs.
ME: Oh, Rob! How saucy! Are you thinking about my legs? My thighs?
CUE: Rob hanging up.
Ah yes, fun with cold callers. My improv days at drama school were clearly not wasted.
You can see my other blog on this subject here.