Hitting the Big Five-Oh!

As I approach my 50^th birthday, I’ve been having a little think about the things I’ve learnt.  Old age does that to you!  In my head I’m still eighteen but the mirror tells another story.  How on earth did I hit half a century?  And how much of the second half do I have left?  Scary stuff!

Here’s a few things I discovered with the wisdom of maturity.  (Hah!)

My face takes longer to wake up - but by the time it’s awake it’s usually time to go to bed again.

I’m far stronger than I thought I was and can cope with a fair amount before I start to crack.  When that happens I know it’s time for early nights, a pep-talk from hubbie, a big breath and a step back from everything.  Four migraines in a week was my body’s way of talking to me - now I know when to listen.

My hair doesn’t grow as quickly as I’d like it to.  ONE WHOLE YEAR of minuscule trims and it’s still not reached my shoulders.  My Goddaughter will have to wait a while for the promised perm.  Lesson learnt - never make a promise on New Year’s Eve after too many glasses of bubbly!

There are some things you have no control over and simply have to be pushed from your mind.

Cooking, cleaning, washing and family get in the way of writing.  Working from home has its advantages but husbands, teens and mothers always want a piece of you just at the wrong time.  The hero might be moving in for that first kiss but if it’s time to don the chauffeur’s hat, he just has to wait.

I can get ready to go on an impromptu night out in less than half an hour - including hair wash.  Gone are the teenage days of three hours of primping, preening and a mountain of discarded clothes on the bed.

I’ve been astonished by the kindness of strangers who have gone on to become friends.  Twitter was alien to me just over two years ago - now I’ve made connections with people I would never have met and many have touched my life in ways I would never have thought possible.

I can introduce myself as a writer and not feel a sham.  I’ve been told that Indies are lucky to sell 200 books.  I’ve sold each of mine in the thousands and I earn a wage from my stories.  It’s not an easy way to make a living, and if the right book deal came my way I’d bite the publisher's hand off, but for now it keeps us ticking along.

I can’t do two late nights on the trot - and if I do, I’m like a zombie for the next two days.  Me!  The party animal!  Who’d have thought it?

Bed is still the best place in the world.  There’s nothing like climbing into those sheets after a lovely bath. Aaaah!  And now, instead of having a head full of worries, I plot and plan my books.  See!  I can work in bed too.

Yoga definitely makes me feel better both physically and mentally.  I just have to creep up on myself each morning and get it done.  I don’t want to be a bent over old lady!

Chocolate will always have a hold over me but not feeling guilty about eating it makes it calorie free (it’s true!).  Having lost a stone in the last four months, it may even aid weight loss - you heard it here first.

I must never Google medical symptoms.  I’ve diagnosed myself at death’s door so many times, it’s amazing I’m here to write this blog.  Hubbie can often be heard saying, ‘Oh!  It didn’t kill you again this time, then?  Phew!’

My husband is the strongest, funniest, most supportive, practical and logical person I know.  Not a day goes by that we don’t have a laugh or I thank God for bringing him to me.  He’s my rock - even when he is attempting dodgy dance moves in the kitchen.

So that’s about it.  I’m off now as I think I just heard the postman - no doubt with yet more Saga and Over 50’s plans.  Sheeesh!

FUNKY FRIDAY with author Steve Horsfall (Anon!)

A big welcome to Twitter buddy Steve Horsfall this week.  We settled in our Dickensian costumes and sipped at tea from bone china cups as we nibbled on scones - here's what I found out:

Describe yourself as a writer in five words.

Living life as a dreamer.

I like the sound of that!  Your novel is historical.  How long did it take you to research?

It took two years to write the book and I never stopped researching - thankfully Salisbury (where the book is based) has a lot of colourful history that is well documented.

You have published as ANON - what were your reasons behind this?

It went with the storyline (the discovery of a concealed manuscript) and gave the tale some mystery and maybe a little authenticity (I have had people contact me believing it all to be true).

When did you realise that you had a novel within you and was it easy to get out?

This was my fourth novel (the first three were all published under my real name and also the books I have written since).  The first book I wrote as a challenge and it did flow well as I wrote about a holiday adventure in Crete.  The Spire Chronicle was my biggest challenge as I wanted to write in a Victorian / Dickensian style and that took some mastering - it is the book I am most proud of; my 'magnum opus'.

Dream time!  Ideal dinner party, five guests, dead or alive - who would they be?

Marc Bolan, Charles Dickens, Al Pacino, Natalie Wood, Emma Pierson.

QUICK FIRE ROUND

Planner or Winger?

Winger

Night or Morning?

Morning

Doer or procrastinator?

Procrastinator

Writing/first draft or editing?

Editing

Tea or coffee?

Coffee

Visit Steve's Twitter account for 'The Spire Chronicle' or go to his website or Amazon page to see more of his books. Oh, and if you're ever passing Waterstones in Salisbury ...

**** NEWSFLASH ****

It's been a good week in Misfit land.  Sales have been booming following the free promotion of 'Diary of a Mummy Misfit' and the work in progress is flowing nicely - Chapter 9 and counting ...

If you're looking for a book on tips for frugal living - and aren't we all? - check out Elaine Colliar's eBook here, only 77p and it could possibly save you HUNDREDS!

FUNKY FRIDAY - with reader and blogger Colette Cooper

Welcome to FUNKY FRIDAY once again.  Today I'm delighted to welcome Colette Cooper (@Colly4  on Twitter). She's always been a huge supporter of my books (and other Indies) and so I was very happy to welcome her here for a chat.  You can follow her blog here.

As an avid reader and blogger at The Wonderful World, what made you start on your journey?

Twitter opened new avenues for me in the world of reading/writing. There was so much talent out there in the way of Indie books, Kindle freebies and topical blogs that I wanted to share this beyond Twitter and into mainstream to help others reading the great stuff I was.

I have always loved writing too so starting a blog was a perfect way of doing this. The more I write, the more I want to write! It's simple!

What books will keep you up all night and which types will have you throwing them at the wall?

Thrillers, sagas and biographies have me gripped. Whilst chick lit fills the gaps in between. I cannot stand erotic fiction, yucky romance or predictable chick lit. Books that keep you guessing and tell the story from different perspectives will always keep me interested.

Would you ever be tempted to write a novel and what genre would it be?

Yes, this is on my bucket list! I don't think I would be smart enough to write a thriller, or have the patience to research anything too topical, so it would have to be based loosely on my life with my experiences exaggerated for effect! I have always wanted to write something autobiographical in terms of the main character, but set in a fictional life I would have liked to have lived. That said I work better under I instruction, so if someone was to give me a subject or genre I would give it a go!

You've been invited on Big Brother - Readers' and Bloggers' Special! Do you accept?

Never! I could never be that exposed. I like to be behind my writing and not in the spotlight. I would like to think if I ever became published I would do so under an alias so that my private life could be kept as that.

Is there one book you could read over and over again?

Every single Harry Potter book. I am a huge fan but up until 2 years ago I had not read any of them or watched a film. I spent 3 months reading my way through them and watching the films and was gutted to get to the end of the story. I surprised myself as normally fantasy is not my thing, but the quality of the writing, the underlying meanings and how the story unfolds is pure genius.

Can you remember the book that started you off as a reader?

I used to steal my mum's reading material from a very young age and worked my way through Virginia Andrews' Flowers In The Attic and the continued saga whilst I was still in primary school. I was still reading them over and over whilst I was at college. But as a child of the 80's Roald Dahl was my biggest influence.

*****

Thanks so much for joining me on FUNKY FRIDAY, Collette - I wish you well in writing that book and staying 'anon'!

 ***** NEWSFLASH *****

My new novel is powering ahead and I'm feeling very excited about each new writing day.  A June release is on the cards ...

'Diary of a Mummy Misfit' is currently powering up the charts in the FREE section on Amazon for Kindle. UK here and .com here.  Grab it while you can!  But don't forget to get the sequel.

Fun with Cold Callers!

Are you sick of cold callers?  I know we in the Misfit House are - sick and tired of receiving calls from rather Asian-sounding gentlemen (and yes, they always have this accent) called Kevin Smith or Mike Jones!  I mean, really?

Before you all start saying ‘Well they have to make a living!’, I think you’ll find that they are shysters and what they’re doing is just a workaround for something that would be deemed illegal for a UK company -  would you defend them if they were robbing old ladies or sex-trafficking?  No.  I rest my case.

So we decided that instead of them driving us up the wall, we’d have a little bit of fun with them.

The teen deals with all the computer/technical calls - no, our computer is not running slow and we won’t give you remote access, what do you think we are, stupid?  He’s been known to tell them that his grandfather was Hitler, he’d like the caller to buy him an Audi and his postcode is 90210.  One of his favourites is to say in an Irish accident, ‘Did you hear dat Margaret T’atcher doied?’  This is usually the point at which the caller gives up.  We’ve also given him fake slaps and he’s yelped, ‘Mummy hit me!’ before hanging up.

I had great fun with ‘John Evans’ a few weeks ago.  Hubbie answered the phone and it was the usual, ‘We’re calling about the accident you had in your car last month’.  Hubbie said he needed to see someone to the door and would just be a few seconds.  We love to waste their time too.

Five minutes later, John Evans was still hanging on the line - clearly thinking he’d nabbed himself a sucker.

He got me - and this is how our call went.

ME: (in a teary voice) He-llo?

JOHN:  (with the trademark Indian accent) Good day to you, madam.

ME:  (even tearier and building into a bit of a crescendo)  No!  No, it’s not a good day!  How can you say it’s a good day when you’re telling me my husband’s had an accident?  He was with her again, wasn’t he?  Go on!  Tell me - I can take it.  (by this time I am sobbing uncontrollably)

JOHN:  Oh no, Madam.  Do not be upset.  I am here to help you.

ME:  (sniffing a little and then becoming flirty) Oh!  Oh, I like you.  What a nice man!  What colour underwear are you wearing?

JOHN:  (silence) …

ME:  (like a mad woman possessed) TELL ME!  What colour underwear?

JOHN - (with a nervous giggle) Are you meaning ‘underpants’?

ME:  (with a growl) YES!  You know damn well what I mean!

JOHN: (a cough and another giggle) Black.  I am wearing black, Madam.

ME: (screeching) BLACK?!  I HATE BLACK!  I want you to be wearing pink!  Do you love me?

JOHN:  (and yes, all this really did happen!) Oh, yes Madam!  I am loving you very much!

ME:  No you don’t, you men are all the same.  You’ve really upset me now.  It’s over - please don’t call me again.

JOHN: (silence and a nervy gulp)

ME:  (I hang up)

‘John Evans’ has never called back.

FUNKY FRIDAY - with author Anne Ullah

Fanfare please as I welcome Twitter buddy and fellow Indie, Anne Ullah, the fabulously funny author of the Toff Tower books.  If you haven't read them - DO IT! 

Anne and I settled with a bottle of bubbly and some olives by her stunning pool in Cyprus.  Here's what she revealed.

Anne, describe yourself as a writer in five words.

I can't help but write.

Your writing is very funny - how important is humour to you and do you like to read books which make you giggle?

Humour is extremely important to me and I have been known to find it even in the blackest situations. Yes, I do love a funny book but, conversely, I love a grisly murder too.

Tell us about your ideal writing day.

Ideally I like to get up early and start the day with some form of exercise - it always seems to inspire me. If I go to the gym I'm almost guaranteed to come up with an idea or two whilst riding the stationary bike; I've even been tempted to prop up a notepad on it and jot ideas down as I pedal. If I'm at my yoga class it can be a little embarrassing if I think of something funny and fail to stop myself laughing (this happens quite often actually and I have included a yoga scenario in my comedy novel "Trouble At Toff Towers II: Another Heap" which is based on actual events). I consider myself very lucky to be living in Cyprus where I have a pool in the garden and, if I go for an early morning swim, I never fail to get a flash of inspiration whilst I'm in the water. Obviously I can't take a notepad into the pool with me so I end up dripping through the house to my laptop to get my thoughts down quickly.

Once my exercise is done I like to be alone in the house so I can tap away undisturbed but by the time six o'clock comes around I'm happy to chill out on the terrace with my partner and a cold glass of Pinot.

You're invited on a chat show to discuss your books.  Whose would it be and why?

Can I please appear on two chat shows because I can't decide between Alan Carr and Paul O'Grady? Why Alan Carr? He's camp, he's irreverent and he's cheesy; what's not to love? Plus he usually plies his guests with alcohol which would help with the whole TV trauma. Doing a show in front of a live studio audience would terrify me. Paul O'Grady is also a firm favourite. I'm a great fan of Lily Savage and I love the Liverpool sense of humour. Mr O'Grady has a unique blend of warmth and comedy crossness which he has honed to a fine art. I've recently read both these stars' autobiographies and you can hear their voices loud and clear throughout each. Amazing autobiographies from amazing entertainers.

Dream time.  Ultimate dinner party? You can have anyone dead or alive there - who would you have and why?

I'm going to have to set myself a limit here or things could get out of hand. OK, I'll be practical; my dining table seats six so I have space for myself and five guests. Sorry Mike (my partner) you're not invited to this particular soiree. Here's my guest list:

Al Pacino - My favourite actor of all time; the man who brought the character of Michael Corleone to life. I have lost count of the times I have watched the Godfather movies. I could probably recite most of the script. The Corleones were, of course, the inspiration for the Codleone family in Trouble At Toff Towers.

The late great Peter O'Toole - Another actor I have always admired; absolutely amazing on film and I also managed to catch him live on stage in Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell by Keith Waterhouse. Perhaps Mr Waterhouse could join us for after dinner drinks? The parts of his book, Soho,  which were written in Yorkshire dialect were the inspiration for me to do similar for my character, Edna Bucket. Anyway, I believe Mr O'Toole has raised a fair bit of hell in his time so he will be good company for guest number three ...

Keith Richards - Hellraiser extraordinaire (I do like a bad boy). I hope he'll bring his guitar along and entertain us but if he just wants to tell tales of his trials and triumphs that's fine by me. His is another autobiography I would highly recommend.

Peter Kay - We're back to the northern sense of humour again. I'm a huge fan. I've just finished watching the box set of Phoenix Nights and haven't laughed so much for ages.

Victoria Wood - British institution and comedy genius. The soup sketch is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I'll be seating her right next to me in the vain hope that some of her genius might rub off.

Catering will be by Nigel Slater and entertainment will be provided by Margarita Pracatan (I'm hoping she'll do a duet with Keith)!

If you were offered a squillion pounds to never write again, would you take it?

Absolutely not. I don't need a squillion pounds; I feel as if I have won the lottery already. I'm lucky enough to be able to travel between Cyprus and the UK so I have the best of both worlds. I have time to write and time to read. I'm not rich financially but I'm definitely rich in lots of other ways. Plus you could say I'm addicted to writing and addicts can't easily quit. What if I said I'd take half a squillion quid and try to cut down a bit?

A cheeky answer and one I wish I'd thought of myself!

QUICK FIRE ROUND

Planner or Winger? 

Planner

Night or Morning? 

Morning

Doer or procrastinator?

Procrastinator right up until the minute I begin to actually do then obsessive doer!

Writing/first draft or editing?

Write edit repeat, write edit repeat until the end then edit again and again.

Tea or coffee?

Coffee please. White, no sugar.

* * * *

Get into Trouble at Toff Towers here.

Follow some of the characters from Trouble At Toff Towers on Twitter:

Drop into the website or find Trouble At Toff Towers on Facebook. 

"TROUBLE AT TOFF TOWERS II: ANOTHER HEAP" WAS PUBLISHED IN AUTUMN 2013 AND THE PLOT COULDN'T GET MUCH THICKER! WATCH OUT FOR BOOK THREE IN THE TROUBLE AT TOFF TOWERS TRILOGY IN 2014!

* * * NEWSFLASH * * *

The 'Stilettos & Stubble' three day freebie went exceptionally well and saw me at #3 and #11 in various categories here and in the States.  Sales have most definitely been on the rise since then and I'm, once again, delighted with the decision I made to run this promotion.  

The teen came up with an excellent idea as a way of keeping the momentum going with sales and I will be hitting the desk next week to see if I can put it in to action.  Watch this space ...

Happy New Year to all Mummy Misfit readers and to those who follow FUNKY FRIDAY.  Please let me know if you'd like to feature as a writer, reader or reviewer - or if you have news for the NEWSFLASH section.

Remember all of my chicklit books can be bought here for less than the price of a coffee.

Mother Christmas

This Christmas day will be the 50^th I’ve spent with my lovely mum - well, that’s if you include the one when I was in the womb.  Fifty Christmas days!  I count myself truly lucky as I only shared eighteen with my dad before he did the dirty on me and packed his bags before hotfooting off to heaven.  But the eighteen I had with him were all good, all special in their own way and all jam-packed with love.

As I prepare for my 50^th festive season with my mum, I’ve been reflecting on how things change.  This year’s been a difficult one for us as my mum broke her pelvis in September and that’s made getting out virtually impossible for her and in turn doubled my work load.  I’m tired and sometimes my patience can be slightly lacking but I always try to remember that it’s not easy for her either.  Our relationship has changed - she was the one who always cared for me and now she relies on me for nearly everything.  The circle of life, huh?

But every year is another that I count my blessings - another Christmas to spend with her - and who knows how many there may be ahead of us?

Life changes, families change but I know I have the one constant in my life - the much loved lady who brought me into the world and who I have so much to be grateful for.

So at this special time, after all my mum has been through and continues to struggle with, I’ll be raising my glass to her and thanking her for everything she’s done for me and the strength she still continues to display when times are hard.

There’s a lot I can’t change for her but I can still make sure she has the happiest Christmas Day I can give her.  She deserves a whole lot more but the rest is out of my hands.

Happy Christmas to the best Mum ever.

Nanny Misfit

(not bad at 86!)

And a very Happy Christmas to all my readers - thank you for your support.

FUNKY FRIDAY with reviewer Donna Trinder

Today I welcome to my sofa for coffee, cake, chocolates and wine (yes, we like them all!) one of my oldest Twitter buddies and a very supportive reader of my books, Donna Trinder.  I've been secretly jealous of Donna for a LONG time - she has her own reading and writing shed - she is one lucky lady!

So Donna, as an avid reader and reviewer, I know you are currently working on your first novel.  Can you tell us a bit about it and how it's going?

I love writing - I love it so much I have two different manuscripts on the go. One I have changed so much it is on its third incarnation, that started out as a YA, now I’m not sure it needs a label (because I’m not sure what that label would be any longer!) but it’s about a group of people, ‘watchers’, protectors of an old sector of witches. That WIP is my baby, my true love, but I’ve complicated it so much I’ve basically written everyone into tight corners and I think another overhaul is needed. That’s when I get bogged down and pick up my chick-lit WIP. All about a posh ex-boarding school girl out for revenge on the tormentors that made her life miserable and learns a lot about her life on the way. I feel that one will be finished way before the first!

I have to say, as the creator of Mummy Misfit, I love the sound of the posh girl chicklit!  Can you tell us how you sweeten the pill if you hate a book that you are reviewing?

Gah - that’s the worst! I give it as long as I possibly can, sometimes that will mean finishing it (to see if it gets better, and sometimes it can pay off!) and sometimes it means the second or third chapter and I can realise it really is not for me.

If I have to admit defeat I would always contact the author/PR and just explain that I can’t go any further, but be polite and just explain *kindly* why. It normally falls down to either far too much bad language/content or the genre.

How do you think you'll cope IF you get a bad review for your debut novel - sulker or shrugger?

I’m very conscious that some reviewers on Amazon clearly don’t know what they’re doing! I’ve read awful 1* reviews that stated delivery was slow, or the book wasn’t their genre (why buy it???), so those kind of reviews would undoubtedly irk me but it would be water off a duck’s back - but real readers that disliked it, well, I think I would be devastated! I don’t think I’d sulk but I’m sure I would feel quite crestfallen! As long as there was enough good to outweigh the bad I’m sure I’d cope!

Dream time. Ultimate dinner party? You can have anyone dead or alive there - who would you have and why?

This is a subject my husband and I often talk about, mainly on long journeys - it passes the time!

Right, firstly it would have to be David Beckham. As well as being incomprehensibly gorgeous, I think he would just be a kind and interesting person to talk to. I’d have to make sure there were adequate napkins to contain the drool. There would be no plus one extended there...

Sarah Millican would be a definite! She makes me laugh like no other and I also think she’s a really lovely person. We could watch cute cat videos on YouTube and probably talk about cake.

JK Rowling. I need to interrogate her on why, oh why, did she have to kill Sirius Black. Also, Remus and Tonks ... they didn’t need to die. That was a travesty.

My old English teacher and Senior Girls Mistress back in the days of my grammar school life, Mrs Valerie Dobbs. The woman was a legend in the true sense of the word, anyone who went to my school throughout The Dobbs Years has some kind of story to tell about her, not all of them positive, but still ... I read that she had passed away last year and I felt so upset. She helped me through an extremely difficult time when I lost my father at thirteen and she really was the most inspirational and knowledgeable woman I could imagine. I’d love to see her now and have to opportunity for her to look over my work!

I think lastly I would have to invite The Great British Bake Off team of Hollywood and Berry (under no circumstances must Mel and Sue tag along - they annoy me immensely). My husband, who of course needs no invitation, would love to chat to Paul Hollywood - also Mary Berry I would imagine - and I think myself and Millican would also be keen to talk cake and baked goods with them.

Killing two birds with one stone it would also be pudding sorted!

Big Brother have invited you on their new show (humour me, it involves books, readers, writers etc) Would you accept?

My gut instinct was unequivocally NO. But thinking about it, if it was just sitting round reading and writing with my favourite authors and other readers it might not be so terrible. If all the tasks were writing and book related and there was unlimited food. And cake, lots and lots of cake. Also probably family visits and wi-fi. Although I think I might be mistaking the Big Brother house for a writing retreat?

You almost made Big Brother sound like somewhere I'd like to go!  OK, if someone offered you big money to write their plot for them, could you do it?

Integrity aside, I honestly don’t know. My purse is feeling abused and delicate today as after the very expensive school uniform shop was completed (or so I thought) Junior decided to ambush me for more football boots, shin pads and all manner of different sports accessories. So on days like today, and if the price was right, I might possibly just say yes. After all, principles don’t keep the roof over your head and your children in school!

No, Donna they don't - and don't I know it?!

QUICK FIRE ROUND

Planner or Winger?

Without doubt, Winger.

Night or Morning?

Morning.

Doer or procrastinator?

Procrastinator. I’m world class.

Writing/first draft or editing?

Editing. Love it.

Tea or coffee?

Coffee.

Thanks for joining me, Donna.  It's been great to chat ... and eat ... and drink.  So glad that your husband made all those yummy cakes for us.

You can find out more about Donna by reading her blog or viewing her Facebook / Twitter pages

* * * NEWSFLASH * * *

My latest full length novel 'TABBY & KAT'  is doing well sales-wise and I'd like to thank you all for your support.  Please don't forget to leave reviews on Amazon if you've enjoyed it.  Tonight I'll be wetting my new baby's head.  I raise my glass to you all - I couldn't do it without you.

Last week I had a sexy footballer on my sofa - check out the interview with Shane Henderson from Jamie Dougan's 'Offside!' here.

My FIRST EVER Twitter/Indie buddy celebrated joining Harper Impulse and I am SO proud of her.  You can buy her Christmas novella here.

I hope to write a Christmas blog post before the big day but time is running away with me.  In case I don't have a chance, I wish you all a peaceful and happy festive break and hope the fat guy brings you all you wish for.