Signing up for Strictly

So, ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ has started again - must mean winter’s on its way.

I’m not one of those who watches it religiously but, if we’re around, we like to see what’s going on in the glam world of sequins and stardust.

I’ve always believed that the programme could be taken further.  Why can’t we have a ‘non celebrity’ version?  ‘Big Brother’ and ‘Come Dine With Me’ can do it, why can’t ‘Strictly’?

This had me asking myself, would I or wouldn’t I?

THE PROS

The gorgeous outfits and the time spent in make up and hair.  OK some of the outfits are a bit OTT and I’d imagine it would take several hours to scrape off the war-paint and the fake tan before looking totally normal - but I’d lap it up. 

The weight loss - a real bonus for most of the contestants.  What a fun way to lose those pounds.  Even if they didn’t drop off, everything would be more toned and flexible.  Bring it on!

The yummy dance partners - a huge incentive.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for romance or even a tiny flirtation.  I’d go for the ones with a sense of humour (they’d be dancing with me, so they’d need it).  Yes, give me Brendan Cole or Anton Du Beck and I’d be happy.  You can keep your greasy looking, cheeky slime balls - give me a bit of a laugh!

Meeting Brucie, Len and Bruno - how fab!  It would just make my day - or even longer if I survived.  Sir Bruce, at last - took a while but he got there in the end.  Len is just a legend and I want to give him a big hug and, as for Bruno, so rude and so funny all at the same time.

The satisfaction of having a professional teach me how to dance properly - what an opportunity!  Imagine.  The next time I hit the dance floor at a social occasion - I could wow people with my moves.  Dragging hubbie around the floor in my wake.

THE CONS (based on the pros)

Sooo … the outfits are great but they’re also quite revealing.  My legs are OK so, no problem there but some of them show bottom cheeks and belly buttons.  I’m not saying I want to be treated as an Ann Widdecombe or an Edwina Currie and disguised in floor length chiffon, but I’d be slightly concerned if I saw a G-string and a bra as my outfit for the week.

The weight drops off because of the sheer hard work and stress.  What if I couldn’t remember all the moves and made a complete plonker of myself?  I remember at drama school, I’d always get the dance routines in the end!  I’d never be happy with just taking the info and getting on with it.  I always had to perfect each move and then move on.

If it took me too long to pick up a move, would my gorgeous dance partner find that his sense of humour had deserted him?  I can just see myself being flung across the floor for the umpteenth time - but not as a sexy move, just in anger.  How long would their patience last?  And imagine the embarrassment of totally ballsing up on the live show - that would surely get you an Anton hissy-fit and a tongue-lashing from the evil Craig Revel Horwood.

The judges don’t hold back on their comments, do they?  I’m a big softie and if they said my bum wobbled or my face looked like a rabbit in the headlights, I’d probably just splutter and blub.  I just know I’d get that horrible hot feeling and go to pieces - not a good look with all that make-up going on.

The professional can impart all his knowledge and try to get me on track, but what if nothing works for me and I’m still pants?  Or … even worse … what if I think  I’ve mastered the moves and I go out there strutting my stuff with confidence and I look like a dork?  I then head off to my next social occasion and hit the dance floor, only to have everyone saying, “Mmm?  Didn’t learn much, did she?”

So, ‘Strictly’?  Would I or wouldn’t I?

You bet your bottom dollar I would!

Would YOU?

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle. Now also in paperback at Lulu.