Mummy Misfit's Law

Sod's Law - humorous axiom stating that anything that can go wrong will go wrong (the Thesaurus definition for the law, also known as Murphy’s).

An example given is Ludwig van Beethoven’s loss of hearing - this is bad fortune for anyone, but it is Sod's law that it would happen to a brilliant composer.

So here’s my own list of ‘Mummy Misfit’s Law’:

Your tooth will always stop bugging you on the day you have a dental appointment.  Similarly, your hair will look the best it’s looked in months when you’re off to the hairdressers.  But … cancel those appointments and the tooth will keep you awake all night and your mop will leave you doing a good impersonation of Catweazle.

The weird looking person at a party will be the one you end up becoming best friends with - it’s always the ones you least expect to pal up with.

The ‘never-fail’ recipe will be a complete and utter flop when you try to churn it out for an impressive dinner party.  Even an informal bolognaise (cooked a thousand times without a hitch) will taste like spew if you try to do a perfect version for friends.

You’ll always get an invite to two things on the same night.  A bit like buses, you wait ages for one to come along and then there’s a stream of them.  You can guarantee the one that you choose to go to will be the boring one and the event you decline will be a riot.

The cat you’ve been desperate to cuddle all day will suddenly decide that they want ‘lurve-time’ just as you’re about to start cooking, do the washing, stick broom up bottom and sweep floor.  They will then spend the rest of the day giving you the evil eye and making ‘You don’t love me’ faces.

The phone will always ring just as you’ve completed the most perfect manicure in months.  And no, it won’t be an exciting invite for cocktails - it will be a call centre in Mumbai insisting you’re not happy with your internet speed or someone telling you how to claim £2,760 for the accident you didn’t have.

When you have a purse full of money to spend on clothes (not often!) there’ll be nothing in the shops that you want to buy.  Or if there is, it most certainly won’t be in your size.  Once the money’s been spent, the shops will gloat and pack their rails with the perfect item, in the ideal size and with a whopping 99% discount.

On a day you want to look your best, your body will conspire against you.  Your hair will decide it’s not going to play the game and all the little follicles and strands will get together and configure themselves into totally different positions on your head.  It’s almost as if they know it’s a special party or that you’re about to meet someone you haven’t seen for twenty years.  No amount of coaxing or preening will help.  Wrinkles and spots will also make an appearance on these days - they’re in cahoots with the hair.  Oh and you’ll suddenly develop the belly of a woman in her final trimester - instantly, overnight.

When uncertain about the choice of a meal in a restaurant, you’ll always see the one that you didn’t go for and it will look nicer than the one in front of you.  And often you’ll look at your partner’s meal and think ‘Wish I’d had that!’

When you have a lucky windfall, or extra money comes into the household, something will always gobble it instantly.  The little surplus in your pay packet will correspond with the brakes going on your car.  You win a tenner on the lottery and your son will need to take money in for a teacher’s collection.  The little bonuses can never stay as just that - the universe will always have other ideas for them.

So that’s ‘Mummy Misfit’s Law’ for you - I could go on forever but I’ll leave you with this fact;

Adolph Coors III was the heir to the Coors Beer Empire.  Ironically, he was allergic to beer!  Then, due to a botched kidnapping attempt, he died as a consequence of his family’s wealth, thus being indirectly killed by beer.

Makes mine look a bit trivial, doesn’t it?

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle. Now also in paperback at Lulu.