Do You Take This Man ...

My husband is the best husband in the world.  Well of course that’s in my eyes, but I do know an awful lot of people who agree with me.  I have best friends who envy me and a sister who thinks ‘he’s the closest thing to a perfect man’.

He’s considerate and loving.  He’s romantic and caring. (He introduces me as his bride!  I’m pushing fifty but it still manages to make me feel youthful and cherished).  He’s spontaneous and energetic.  He’s a great dad and a perfect son-in-law.

He’s also mad.  And I do mean that in the nicest possible way.  But it’s true.

He’s the only person I know who can spring out of bed and make it through a variation of approximately twenty songs before he’s finished his ablutions and chucked the milk on his Weetabix.  He has the ability, not only to see the joy in every new day, but also to turn a Bowie song into a Genesis number and then transform it into a Christmas No1.  All while shaving, choosing socks and cleaning up cat puke.

The positivity is a great thing to live with.  The singing (even after twenty years together) still leaves me rolling my eyes some mornings saying, “Song number fifty-two!”

My avid blog followers will know that we haven’t had the easiest of years financially, but we’ve had the best of marriages.  He’s my best friend and I truly thank heaven for the day we were brought together.  OK, so he can’t take me on fancy holidays, buy me designer clothes or shower me in jewels (although I do sport a rather gorgeous ten-diamond lovers’ knot engagement ring as a testament to our better years) but what we have together can’t be measured in those terms.

So I’d like to share some little games we play together to keep ourselves amused on the cheap.  Don’t expect ‘normality’ here - I did warn you, he’s not normal.  But then, I play along quite happily, cacking myself and coming up with my own ideas, so what does that make me?

THE NEWSPAPER GAME - Grab any old newspaper, a thick marker pen and a dirty mind and add as many ridiculous appendages to the photos as you can.  Sportsmen are a good target, as are people bending over, animals or those in peculiar positions.  Children are a no go - we’re not that odd!

BED DANCING (as referred to in a previous blog Tuesday, 28 June 2011: “These Are a Few of My Favourite Things”) - Watching TV in bed, laying down of course, you can partake in the art of ‘Synchronised Bed Dancing’ whenever a groovy piece of music takes your fancy.  One of us will start and it’s pretty hard not to get caught up in the moment and boogie along together.  If a child walks in and asks what you’re doing, you simply answer, “What does it look like?”  They never ask again!

POKE THE SNOT - Not for the faint hearted and never to be played if one has a cold, hayfever or eye-infection.  We invented this game but, sadly, can’t take credit for the name.  Its wonderful title was given by a very close friend who, when hearing about our daft games, said “Oh, you two have such fun nights in, you even play ‘Poke the Snot!”  So, onto the rules. One person closes their eyes and holds out their index finger.  The other person takes it and pokes it either in their nostril, eye, ear or pursed mouth.  The person with the closed eyes has to determine which orifice of the other they have entered.  No as easy as you think.  A mouth can feel like an eye socket if wet, but can also feel like an ear if dry. 

Told you not to expect normal, didn’t I?

NUMBER PLATES - you can play this game as clean or as dirty as you like.  The final three letters on a car must be turned into a phrase.  So, with children in tow, the letters SWK could be ‘Someone We Know.’  If it’s just the two of us in the car it might be ‘Smelly, Wet Knickers’ or ‘Stinky, Wobbly Knackers’.  Hours of fun for all ages, although we prefer the adult version.

CAT SPEAK - this game began when we owned our lovely rescue dog, Ralf.  When he went on to doggy heaven we eventually became the proud owners of two cats. All our animals seem to have foul mouths and very little regard for what they say or think of us.  This is put into play by one of us voicing what the cats are actually saying at any given time.  Our lady cat believes she’s a princess and thinks nothing of telling us that things aren’t quite up to her standard, in no uncertain terms.  Our tom is a bit of a bruiser (think Garfield) and, although he’s a Cat of Little Brain, knows every swear word (and a few made up ones) known to man. We take this to the extreme by using our cats as proxy scapegoats to jokingly voice our own insults at one another.  “She just said, ‘You’re a bit of a plonker’” or “I can’t believe he just said he thinks you stink!”

MUSIC GAMES - anything from changing song titles (e.g. ‘songs that you can put a cow’s moo into’ - Blue Mooon, I’m in the Moood for Dancing) to tapping out the rhythm of a song on the other person’s head.  One night, when playing a cheek-slapping version of the latter game, our son called down (at the insistence of a friend he had staying over) “What are you doing?”.  When we replied we were trying to guess the song from the rhythm, he simply replied “OK”, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  His friend remained worried and perplexed.  Also songs for the numerically challenged (me) ‘ You’re once, twice, seven times a lady’ and ‘ABC, easy as 3,7,5’.  I could go on but you get the picture.

As you can see, there’s never a dull moment in our house.  Two nutters who were made for one another!

If you don’t think I’m a complete weirdo after reading this, why not buy a copy of my book “Diary of a Mummy Misfit”.  It’s filled with equal amounts of madness mixed with a proper plot.
Now also available in paperback at Lulu.