Monday, 4 July 2011

A Day in the Life ...

Just after the war, my mum was called to her school's career advisor.  'Advice' in those days consisted of one question, "Shop, office or factory?"  My mum took the 'posh' route and went for office.  She found herself in Simpsons of Piccadilly dealing with the cash from the tills that came flying up the shute to her office to be counted so that she could send change and a receipt back down to the shop floor.  It wasn't her dream job but it meant she could save up to buy tweed suits and blouses with bows on to snare my dad.  Her job then became her children.

Things hadn't changed much by the time I went for Careers Advice.  When I was asked what I wanted to do and I replied "act", I was promptly put on a typing course so that I'd "always have something to fall back on".

So today I'm imagining I could do anything ... anything I fancy as a job, just for a day.  I'm not saying I'd choose any as a lifetime vocation; they're just things I fancy having a go at:

HUGE ARTICULATED LORRY DRIVER - I can just see myself in my tight leather trousers and knotted checked shirt, hauling myself up into my driver's cab.  I often look up at the drivers, so high at the wheel, looking down at all the other traffic and calmly manoeuvring their massive beast of a vehicle effortlessly around corners.  I would imagine it's a real talent, knowing which bit of you is where on small roads, especially in London.  But then of course, there would be the open road, flying along the motorways with 'The Eagles' playing at full volume.  I think I'd have CB radio and chat to all my on-road buddies as I munch on Yorkies and swig my Irn Bru.  "10/4 Rubber Duckie.  Catch you at the flip flop.  Bears at Junction 14."  Ah yes, I'd know all the lingo and pull over at service stations to grab a few zzz's before I safely deliver my load and return to a comforting hot meal prepared by hubbie.

BURLESQUE STAR - I'd love to have the guts (and the rest of the body!) to strut my stuff in a tittilatingly flirty fashion.  In my dressing room, I'd preen and polish while chatting to my fellow performers.  We'd stick feathers onto one another in strategic places and share blushers and stories.  After the show, when we'd whipped the audience up into a frenzy with our routines, we'd strip off all the finery and face-paint and sit in our (silk) dressing gowns, drinking cocktails and smoking coloured Sobranie cigarettes from extra long cigarette holders, while listening to "The Andrew Sisters."

THE QUEEN - I think it would be a nightmare to have to live your whole life as the Queen; your time would never be your own and you couldn't just let your hair down and pass wind without thinking twice.  I'd like to walk in her very sensible court shoes just to see what it entails.  Does she wipe her own bottom?  Does she burp?  Does she have days when she says, "Oh sod it Phil, I really can't be bothered to put my face on today and get out there working the crowds.  Let's just have a duvet day and watch a bit of "Loose Women". And I couldn't bear the smell of fresh paint everywhere I went.

WEST END MUSICAL LEAD - I fancy myself as Evita, Tracy Lord (High Society) or Sally Bowles (Cabaret).  I'd be note and step perfect without a hint of stage fright.  My day would start with a quick flick through the (excellent) reviews in bed.  Then a light lunch in Covent Garden with all my gay buddies, followed by rehearsals and voice warm ups.  I'd take ONE glass of champagne, while getting into character and preparing to take the stage.  After the show, we'd party through the night, singing numbers from all the Broadway greats.  I'd always wake as fresh as a daisy, the consummate professional.

CARER AT BATTERSEA DOGS' HOME - for this one, I'd have to have an erase button on my brain for when the day was over, as I couldn't bare to think of all the animals after I'd left them.  I'd love to have a day filled with stroking and loving all the strays.  When we eventually decide to get another dog of our own, I wouldn't even be able to set foot in Battersea because I'd want to take them all home, so this would be a way of getting a look in there and not having to worry about them all afterwards.  A whole day with animals!  A dream (that I wouldn't remember) come true!

So there we go, varied and diverse but that's the sort of girl I am.  And I guess it's just as well I took that typing course or it would have taken me much longer to get this blog posted.

If you enjoyed my blog today, why not check out my debut novel 'Diary of a Mummy Misfit' (view Amazon link to right for synopsis/preview/purchase)
Now also available in paperback at Lulu.


  1. That is brilliant! I love the Queen one, always said it was hard but I'd give it a go.
    The truck thing is scary! I had a go once but didn't go for the test, so much weight, power and damage potential, I had to give it back, I just couldn't do that to the public lol.
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. fab article-love the idea of driving a huge lorry eatting a Yorkie x