So as I sink further into my ‘pre-release’ madness, this week I’m indulging myself in an imaginary interview.
Let me set the scene for you …
‘Stilettos & Stubble’ has been picked up by a HUGE hot-shot producer and is being made into a feature film. (See, I told you it was indulgent!) and I’ve been invited to talk on Alan Carr’s ‘Chatty Man’- where better?
So that’s me ready to go then - cue huge round of applause as Alan welcomes me on set and I manage to get to my seat without tripping or flashing my knickers.
ALAN: So, Amanda, what can I offer you to drink, my love?
ME: Well in the style of my Mummy Misfit books, I guess it has to be a ‘Pink Cock’ if you’ve got one there, Alan.
ALAN: (huge guffawing and much showing of many teeth) Oo-er, Missus! I most certainly have got one hiding somewhere in here and I’m rather partial myself, so I think I might join you.
ALAN: (sipping and wiping froth from his mouth with a suggestive wink) Ooh, yum. Good choice, girlfriend! Now, tell me a little bit about the novel that this fab movie is based on? I might just have another pink cock while you chat, if that’s OK?
ME: Well, Alan, ‘Stilettos & Stubble’ tells the story of a larger than average lady who finds happiness in the most unexpected of places - the film is going to be huge fun with a great cast and soundtrack.
ALAN: Ooh, yes the music is wonderful. I had a great little work out to it in the shower this morning - some fantastic tracks, I have to say. So, what gave you the idea to write about an Amazonian woman? It’s not the usual type for a chicklit novel, is it? And you don’t mind me calling it chicklit do you - not gonna hit me with your handbag?
ME: No, I don’t mind at all! There’s no shame in writing or reading chicklit - there’s a massive market for it, as much as it’s slagged off. I got the idea from watching an episode of ‘Miranda’ and suddenly I found I had a whole plot in my head.
ALAN: Now, I’ve seen a few clips and it really is very funny but it also has a bit of a message going on in there, doesn’t it? See, I’m not as thick as I look! (pulls face at camera)
ME: Yes, Alan. It’s all about accepting people for what they are - going beyond the outside shell. I think everyone in the story learns that in one way or another.
ALAN: Well with a face like this, I’m all for that philosophy! More cock? (he tops up my drink.) Now, it’s been a really exciting year for you, hasn’t it? It’s not just the film coming out but also a mini series based on the ‘Mummy Misfit’ books. How exciting is that?
ME: Very exciting! My readers have often told me that the Misfit books would make great TV but it just seemed that it would never happen. Now it’s almost in the can and I think they’ve done a great job with it. It’s everything I’d hoped it would be.
ALAN: Is it true that you got chased out of Putney by Yummy Mummies wielding designer handbags because they were so annoyed with you?
ME: No Alan, that’s not true. Most of the mums have been very supportive - and those that haven’t obviously see a snippet of themselves in the nastier mums in the book. That’s their problem - I’m having the last laugh!
ALAN: And what about ‘Fenella’ - Mummy Misfit’s best friend? She’s the posh totty with a heart, isn’t she? Is she real or made-up?
ME: There is a Fenella in my life but the character was very loosely based on her. It is a work of fiction and I think people need to remember that.
ALAN: So are you saying that your Fenella wouldn’t sing a song on your breakfast bar and then fall off?
ME: No, I’m not. My Fenella would definitely do that!
ALAN: Ooh, we should get her on the show! Now, you often have gentlemen of the homosexual persuasion in your books - why is that?
ME: Well, coming from a theatrical background, a lot of my friends were gay and I always felt more comfortable with them than I did with the girls. Writing about them just comes easily to me.
ALAN: If you were going to write about a really handsome gay guy looking for lurrrve (raises eyebrows at the camera) would you use me as inspiration and what would your plot be?
ME: (trying to contain laughter) Of course I’d use you, Alan, and I think I’d have you working as a topless carwash assistant who meets the man of his dreams when he brings his throbbing Lamborghini in for a rub down.
ALAN: (gulps at his pink cock and fans himself) Oooh, now that’s one book I’d definitely like to read - got a bit hot under the collar there! (wipes forehead with a lace hankie) OK, moving swiftly on now, I think we’ll finish up with the closing music from ‘Stilettos & Stubble’ - an uplifting little number, ‘I Am Woman’. Huge thanks to the lovely Miss Amanda Egan for being on the show - we’re off to share another couple of pink cocks and have a boogie.
‘Stilettos & Stubble’ will be released on Kindle at Amazon and in paperback at Lulu on 28th November. ‘It’s what’s inside that counts’