My family always joke about my "Gaydar" - not only can I spot one at a hundred metres but they also seem to have the ability to sniff me out and want to become my new best friend.
Obviously, having been to drama school, I've met more than my fair share. And that's not making a sweeping generalisation, it's a fact: homosexual men are drawn to the arts and, in particular, acting and dancing. Thank goodness they are because that's how I've met some of the most wonderful and loving personalities in my life.
So for any of you women out there struggling with the bitchiness of girlfriends, here are my reasons why it's great to be a Fag Hag!
Your gay friend will be just as bitchy (if not more) than your girlfriends, but he'll do it to your face - openly and honestly. If you look a mess he'll tell you, so don't ever ask for an honest opinion if you can't take it because you'll most certainly get it. And he'll like nothing better than getting his claws into someone who's upset you - guyliners drawn at dawn, if he's brave enough.
He'll have a fantastic sense of humour - a generalisation I believe to be true. Maybe I've been lucky enough to meet all the funniest, but there's nothing like a good giggle with your gay buddies. It can be filthy, so not for the faint hearted.
He'll give the best cuddles and you'll know it's not leading on to something else. I once shared a bed with three gay friends at a party. It was all fine and dandy until one of them trod dog poo in!
He'll take you to great gay clubs where you can dance the night away with fabulously handsome guys, flirting like mad and knowing that you're totally safe. And he won't dump you if he meets a hunk, he'll be too much of a gentleman. He'll tell you you're going home, organise a cab and then get back to said hunk! See, honesty! He will expect you to be there when it all falls apart, and could quite possibly be sobbing over the injustice of it all, when he'll suddenly spot his next conquest. Hair will be fluffed, eyes touched up and he'll be off.
He'll watch rom-coms with you and won't moan. Also musicals and old black and white movies. I once spent a lovely afternoon with one of my friends watching the 1950's film "The Winslow Boy" To this day it's renamed "The Window Boy" because we were unable to get the bright reflection of his bedroom window off the television screen, so we only ever managed to see a half the action.
He'll spend evenings in with you doing daft things. My favourite recollections include: recording ourselves doing the Broadway greats and then rolling around with laughter at how bad we sounded, shaving off a moustache for a play (his not mine) and only doing half to see if we liked it or not (what did we think we'd do if we didn't?) and making lists of all the actors we'd marry, snog, or date. Richard Gere was always all of them for both of us.
He'll only lie to you to protect you and he'll try to turn a negative into a positive if he thinks it will help. Once, after a broken heart with lots of sobbing and little personal grooming, my friend told me that all the crying had given my skin a lovely glow and I'd feel a lot better once I'd washed my hair!
So, there you have it ladies. For a good old, uncomplicated loyal friendship go out and grab yourself a gay. They come highly recommended and you'll never look back.
My novel Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available on Amazon for Kindle.
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