Dear So and So ...

Another round of imaginary letters that I'd love to write but never will.  These are always such fun to do and are quite therapeutic as you get things off your chest.

Here goes:

Dear Employers of Young People
If you're offering an apprenticeship at a poxy £40 a week, please have the decency to send a one line email to tell your applicants if they haven't been successful.  That's all it takes and, frankly, it's rude not to.  Remember when you were starting out in your career?  It's a tougher world out there now and all these kids want is a chance or at least an acknowledgment.  Give them some hope that people are decent as they start out on life's journey.

Dear Old Age
You stink.  You rob people of their friends and siblings and then sneak in and continue to rob those left behind of their vibrancy and will to live.  Frankly, I want no part of you - I don't want to live a life of aching limbs and loneliness.

Dear Troll
I am so happy that you now appear to have a life.  Your daily comments were a bore and, with any luck, you are now taking literacy lessons to brush up on your spelling.  My 'ill-educated' scribblings earn me a living whereas your pointless rants get you nowhere.  Anonymity, when leaving comments on a blog, only shows you up for the sad loser you really are.
Dear Stalker
Sadly the above had to be crossed out and you needed to be upgraded to 'Stalker'. You haven't got a life at all, have you?  And there I was with such high hopes for you.   Try to enjoy your holiday in Thailand rather than focusing on me and my kitchen. Oh, and see my reply to you below.

Dear Mouse at the back of the radiator
I feel sorry for you trapped in there but what a bloody stupid place to go and hide!  There's a nice, humane trap waiting for you with a huge chunk of stinky cheese - if you just find your way out to that, I promise you I will set you free.  Your incessant scratching is driving me nuts and if you give birth in there I swear I'll call in the big guns.

Dear Brain
Thanks for putting me through the mill these last few weeks.  I don't think you realise that you are really only able to cope with one plot at a time - thank goodness you've finally settled on the right one.  Also, I'd appreciate it if, when it's bedtime, you shut down and go to sleep.  It's not the time to start telling me what should happen in Chapter Five or what the final line should be.

Dear Wandsworth Borough Council
 You are a bunch of a*ses and you will not beat me.  Do not put the wrong date on letters so that you can then tell me my mother is out of appeal time because I am on to you and you won't get away with it.  If my mother wants sheltered housing for the elderly, I'll fight you all the way and you will not pull the wool over my eyes.  Beware - I am like a dog with a bone if riled!

Dear Melon
Why?  Why would you do that to me?  I have always loved you and one minor slip-up with some parma ham has made me wonder if you will ever pass my lips again.  You made me suffer to the point where I Googled every symptom and discovered I could be dead within the week (!)  Lesson learnt: melon + parma ham = bad combination for me.
NB:  for those wondering why, the fat of the meat congeals and ferments the fruit.  Not nice.

Dear Hole in Roof
Well, you picked your moment didn't you?  Just as the heaviest rains of the year arrive was not ideal for us, really. We will beat you with buckets and towels and, if necessary, move ourselves one floor down.  Your gaping cavity will eventually be fixed and we will make sure it hurts - no anaesthetic for you.

Dear Agents and Publishers
I'm ready for you - where are you?  If you're looking for a hard working new writer with five books and a novella under her belt, and two new titles due out later this year, HERE I AM!  Go on, make me an offer I can't refuse!

All done and, I have to say, that's really set me up for the day.  Nothing like a good outburst to have you breathing a contented sigh, is there?  Go on.  Who would you like to write to and what would you say?

All my books can be found at Amazon UK here and .com here.  Or in paperback at Lulu.

Hop on by, Katie!

An extra blog this week because I need a rant - and we all know that the Misfit needs to vent her spleen every now and again.

Remember, you heard it here first - I would lay my last penny on the vile and obnoxious Katie Hopkins of ‘The Apprentice’ fame announcing a book deal soon.

There can quite simply be no other reason for her outburst and subsequent exposure - we had it with Samantha Brick and we’re being groomed again now.

For those who are not aware of the history, Ms. Hopkins appeared on ‘This Morning’ earlier this week and declared that she won’t let her children play with kids with ‘common’, unusual or geographical names. I refuse to give the YouTube link or any related articles as I don’t want to drive more traffic her way - unless of course it’s an out-of-control articulated lorry!

Not quite sure that she completely stands by her views as, ironically, her children are called India, Poppy and Maximillian. Go figure!

But apparently children who are not given traditional names such as Harry, Sophie or Emily come from ‘stupid’ parents.  These children are always late for school, don’t complete their homework and are not allowed to be around Katie’s little darlings.  Sweeping generalisation, huh?

This from the woman who has shown herself up by not being able to spell synchronicity in a tweet and is unable to use an apostrophe correctly: ‘It isn't just the child's name is it? It is the manner in which it's mother yells it across the playground.’  Sloppy homework, huh?

What’s that about intelligence, Katie?

Not annoyed enough by this witch?  Try this.  Any mums out there with ginger children?  One of her tweets this morning stated,

‘Ginger babies.  Like a baby, just so much harder to love'.

We might expect this from the likes of Frankie Boyle but not from a so called ‘loving mother'.

She has continued to post tweet after provocative tweet this morning and is making herself look like a demented woman who has lost the plot.

But more likely she’s stirring up the hornet’s nest of public opinion before she hits us with her ‘bestseller'.

I’d do anything to get a book deal, to get my works out there to the reading masses - but nobody could ever pay me to be hated.  Which in effect is what she’s doing by compromising any dignity she might once have had.

So, I wish her well.  If there is a book it will no doubt go to #1 in a flash, but hopefully disappear just as quickly ... along with her.  If there isn’t, I hope she gets the professional help she needs.

Rant over.  As you were …

If you want to read about a NICE mummy who battles with the NASTY mummies, check out my Mummy Misfit books here.