Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Dear So and So ...

Another round of imaginary letters that I'd love to write but never will.  These are always such fun to do and are quite therapeutic as you get things off your chest.

Here goes:

Dear Employers of Young People
If you're offering an apprenticeship at a poxy £40 a week, please have the decency to send a one line email to tell your applicants if they haven't been successfulThat's all it takes and, frankly, it's rude not to.  Remember when you were starting out in your career?  It's a tougher world out there now and all these kids want is a chance or at least an acknowledgment.  Give them some hope that people are decent as they start out on life's journey.

Dear Old Age
You stink.  You rob people of their friends and siblings and then sneak in and continue to rob those left behind of their vibrancy and will to live.  Frankly, I want no part of you - I don't want to live a life of aching limbs and loneliness.

Dear Troll
I am so happy that you now appear to have a life.  Your daily comments were a bore and, with any luck, you are now taking literacy lessons to brush up on your spelling.  My 'ill-educated' scribblings earn me a living whereas your pointless rants get you nowhere.  Anonymity, when leaving comments on a blog, only shows you up for the sad loser you really are.
Dear Stalker
Sadly the above had to be crossed out and you needed to be upgraded to 'Stalker'. You haven't got a life at all, have you?  And there I was with such high hopes for you.   Try to enjoy your holiday in Thailand rather than focusing on me and my kitchen. Oh, and see my reply to you below.

Dear Mouse at the back of the radiator
I feel sorry for you trapped in there but what a bloody stupid place to go and hide!  There's a nice, humane trap waiting for you with a huge chunk of stinky cheese - if you just find your way out to that, I promise you I will set you free.  Your incessant scratching is driving me nuts and if you give birth in there I swear I'll call in the big guns.

Dear Brain
Thanks for putting me through the mill these last few weeks.  I don't think you realise that you are really only able to cope with one plot at a time - thank goodness you've finally settled on the right one.  Also, I'd appreciate it if, when it's bedtime, you shut down and go to sleep.  It's not the time to start telling me what should happen in Chapter Five or what the final line should be.

Dear Wandsworth Borough Council
 You are a bunch of a*ses and you will not beat me.  Do not put the wrong date on letters so that you can then tell me my mother is out of appeal time because I am on to you and you won't get away with it.  If my mother wants sheltered housing for the elderly, I'll fight you all the way and you will not pull the wool over my eyes.  Beware - I am like a dog with a bone if riled!

Dear Melon
Why?  Why would you do that to me?  I have always loved you and one minor slip-up with some parma ham has made me wonder if you will ever pass my lips again.  You made me suffer to the point where I Googled every symptom and discovered I could be dead within the week (!)  Lesson learnt: melon + parma ham = bad combination for me.
NB:  for those wondering why, the fat of the meat congeals and ferments the fruit.  Not nice.

Dear Hole in Roof
Well, you picked your moment didn't you?  Just as the heaviest rains of the year arrive was not ideal for us, really. We will beat you with buckets and towels and, if necessary, move ourselves one floor down.  Your gaping cavity will eventually be fixed and we will make sure it hurts - no anaesthetic for you.

Dear Agents and Publishers
I'm ready for you - where are you?  If you're looking for a hard working new writer with five books and a novella under her belt, and two new titles due out later this year, HERE I AM!  Go on, make me an offer I can't refuse!

All done and, I have to say, that's really set me up for the day.  Nothing like a good outburst to have you breathing a contented sigh, is there?  Go on.  Who would you like to write to and what would you say?

All my books can be found at Amazon UK here and .com here.  Or in paperback at Lulu.


  1. Don't get me started today!! I could write a book (lol) of letters!! When my dad offered to pay for my shopping today, and I refused, the dumb cashier only asked him if he wanted to donate it to charity!!I worry, they are so vulnerable. (I'm not against charity donations.) I shall be thinking of letters all day now : )))

  2. Yeah. Like you said....hahahaha!!!! Excellent.

  3. It would appear that my STALKER is now on holiday in Thailand - still unable to put a grammatically correct sentence together and still making up facts by trying to pretend she knows me better than she does.
    And there I was thinking they'd finally got a life.

  4. That did make laugh Amanda. I hope the last one comes true for you.I remember wanting to write the first one too. Did your troll actually tell you she was in Thailand? I can't believe she's still reading your stuff if she thinks you can't write,a bit mad.

  5. Hi Anne and thank you!
    No, the STALKER didn't tell me she was in Thailand - I now have a tracker on my blog which gives me all sorts of interesting information ;)
    The only reasons she can still be reading (and winding herself up) are either jealousy or the fact that one of my books has struck a chord! If the cap fits ...!
    As I've said, at least my writing pays my bills - what does hers do?

  6. Dear STALKER
    There are many lovely things to do in Thailand and I'm really not sure you're making the most of your holiday - surely it's a waste of money to go to another country and then sit and do exactly what you do at home - follow and troll me?
    It's flattering but boring. Go scuba diving, drink a cocktail or two - lighten up!
    Your comments are not posted because they are not the truth or relevant and my readers do not need to hear an anonymous, sad, bitter and twisted voice - one which clearly has issues.
    Also a blog is not the place for a slanging match or name calling - but then if you had an ounce of class, you'd know that.
    It really is time for you to move on now - maybe a change in medication might help?

  7. Put chocolate spread or peanut butter in the trap. I had a mouse under the sofa for a week, put a humane trap down in it with chocolate spread, the next day he was running free in the fields! (Apparently they like "moist" *shudder* foods more than cheeses.)

  8. Thanks for the mouse tip - he seems to have gone quiet now but if he come back Nutella is on the menu ;)