Dear Me ...

Dozens of celebrities have been asked to take part in compiling a book of letters to their sixteen year old self, based on what they know now.

Well, I’m no celebrity but I’m taking part anyway.

Dear Me

Right now the hardest decisions you’ll have to make are whether or not to squeeze a spot or what to wear to the disco at the weekend.

But life will get tougher.

When you’re crying in your bed at night about an unrequited love or pouring your heart into your diary because of your latest rejection, try to remember these are the good times and it’s all valuable experience.  Being sixteen is great but, sadly, it doesn’t last forever.

In two year’s time you’ll lose the best dad a girl could ever have asked for.  It won’t be easy and it will remain something you’ll never get over.  But you will have your fantastic mum for many years and, although it will pain you to see her age, you’ll become her best friend and primary carer.  There will be difficult times with her but you’ve been given the strength to cope and she’ll be grateful for that.

Your years at drama school will be among your happiest - you may not think so at the time, as combining those years with looking out for a grieving mum will often hold you back.  You’ll meet your best friends there - one who, although she drives you to distraction, will be with you way into the future.  And another who will sadly take his life - there’ll be nothing you can do for him though as he’ll be beyond help.

You’ll break many hearts - not intentionally - and you’ll often think you’re in love when you’re not.  But don’t worry because your soul-mate is waiting and it will all fall into place when you least expect it.

Sadly you’ll always be one of those people who get ‘close but no cigar’.  You’ll be excited to get offered the lead in a play at the National Theatre - it won’t happen, there will be cutbacks and your chance in the spotlight will be snatched from you.  Later in life, with acting behind you, you’ll come close to seeing your book in print only to see that fall in a heap too.  Just accept these things and move on.  Try to understand that they happen for a reason and just continue to do the best you can.

You’ll lose many people you love but the one who will leave the biggest hole is your Godmother.  There won’t be a day that goes by that you don’t think of her, she will always be in your heart.  That’s a good thing - cherish it.

Worrying will become one of the things you’re best at.  If you could just try to pin-point the day the niggles start, stop them there and then.  Once they set in, you’ll find them hard to shift.  Luckily, your soul-mate will be the complete opposite so you’ll manage to control it.

So every sixteen year old girl wants to know if and when she’ll get married - yes, you will, at the ripe old age of thirty and you’ll go on to have one very special child.  It’ll be a marriage made in heaven, so you don’t need to worry there, but you’ll have many tough times financially.  Don’t panic though, because the love you’ll have for one another will be so strong, you’ll survive anything.

I know you won’t believe me when I tell you that there’ll be some exceptionally difficult family issues to work through - doesn’t seem possible right now, does it?  I can’t tell you how they’ll work out, because at this stage I don’t know.  You’re going to have to be really strong when that time comes and accept that there are certain things you can’t change.  You’ll be heart-broken and I hope that feeling doesn’t last forever.

There’s not much else I can say really.  You won’t do a bad job of your life, you’ll have lots of fun and much to look forward to.  You’ll always be at your happiest when you’re creating something to alleviate your low boredom threshold.  Trust me, when you’re bored you’re not an easy person to live with.

Try to learn the knack of going with the flow - it will make life much easier.  Things will be what they will be and it’s not in your power to force things.

Enjoy the ride!  It’s a great one and don’t let fear hold you back.

Love, Me x

PS:  Don’t touch that first cigarette.  You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle. Now also available in paperback at Lulu.

My New Labour of Love

My babelicious Twitter pal, Miss Mootastic, has suggested the topic for today’s blog so, as she’s one of my most loyal and supportive fans, I’ve decided to run with it.

Miss Moo is one of the many people I’ve met on this self-publishing journey who have enjoyed what I write.  That was always my intention, to entertain people and create characters and plots that give people a laugh and leaves then asking for more.

And people have been asking for more.  More, as in a sequel.  My readers want to know what happens to the likes of my Mummy Misfit and her side-kick, the affluent and outspoken Fenella.

When I wrote the diary, and completed exhaustive editing, it was almost as if I’d given birth.  Yes, thank you very much but I don’t think I want to be doing that again too soon!

Then I got the slightest niggle of an idea for the sequel and started plotting and planning.  The first birth was still a bit too raw though so I left it on the back-burner to brew.  And of course, I always had the excuse that I was too busy promoting my firstborn and blogging.

But then I started to get proper unbiased feedback from people who didn’t know me but liked the way I write.  Suddenly I could feel the stirrings - I could endure that pain again and, actually, I’d quite like to.  The time was right, the book knew what it wanted me to say and I had to channel it.

For anyone who’s read my debut novel, you’ll know that the sequel couldn’t continue in the same vein - things are very different in the Mummy Misfit’s life by the end of the first book - so that gave me the perfect starting point for ready-made characters to be involved in a whole new plot.

Having already made my observations about certain types of bitchy mothers and the differences between the ‘Haves and the Have-Nots’ I could then take them to another level - I’m hoping that level has all the same humour but, this time, with a little more bubbling under the surface.

And so was born ‘The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit’.

Well, not yet born, still in gestation, but the pains are becoming more intense and the arrival is imminent.

I know Miss Moo will be at my bedside with grapes and flowers, telling me patiently to push - she wants this ‘baby’ by Christmas and I’m puffing and panting like a demon to deliver because it’s SO close now.

And in answer to her other questions - what gets my creative juices flowing and how do my books get written?

I’ll tell you how … lots of swearing, chocolate, coffee, whingeing to fellow writers on Twitter, use of the backspace button and the uplifting support of my readers.

If it wasn’t for you, there would be no point to it all.

Have you read ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’?  Do you have any blog suggestions or questions?  Happy to answer anything, so leave your comments here, Tweet me or visit my Facebook page.  If you haven’t read the diary, what’s stopping you?  It’s a little over the price of a cup of coffee and will keep you entertained for much longer!  You can’t come over to the dark side if you haven’t been on the journey so far.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also available in paperback at Lulu.

WARNING! Mental health services can drive you mad

Feeling low or having trouble coping?

Well I was fine half an hour ago but not too great now.

Suffering from anxiety or stress?

Yep, I am now.

Experiencing panic attacks?

Haven’t had one for years but could well have one coming on.

Suffering from depression?

Pretty pissed off at the minute.

Need support in finding or keeping a job?

No but I’m frankly surprised that half the people I’ve spoken to today have actually got one.

(The above questions were written on a Psychological Therapies and Wellbeing Service card given to me by my mum’s doctor.)

So how did I spend yesterday morning then?

I’ll tell you how … chasing up an NHS ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’ (CBT) appointment for my mother.

And, as usual, I’ve been pushed from pillar to post by NVQ-wielding morons who lack any common sense (do they do an NVQ in that?) and neither listened to my questions or had any real intention of taking responsibility for my enquiry.  And sometimes they just got their kicks from cutting me off.

My mother has been waiting for an appointment now for a couple of months and her GP has told us to chase it up - OK, shouldn’t be too difficult, except none of the numbers I was given delivered any joy.

At one point I was put through to a very sing-songy young lady who answered the phone with “OCDBDCC”  What?  And yet when I matched her ‘OCDBDCC’ with my ‘CBT’, I merely got a “What’s that then?”  And she’s working in mental health.  Heaven help us all.

While these people mess about at playing grown ups, my mother slips further into her depression and the grip of panic attacks, and I’m left to pick up the pieces.

Frankly if she is ever lucky enough to get an appointment, I don’t hold out much hope of it doing her any good.  The ‘health professional’ who initially assessed her had the handshake of a wet lettuce, the voice of a laryngitis-struck mouse (my mother is quite deaf) and the energy levels of a sloth on Prozac.  And of course, she had hairy legs with socks and sandals.  Not that this should make any difference to her ability to do the job but purlease - have some pride, woman.

I’ve achieved nothing - I’m no closer to an appointment now than I was when I started.  I may have a few more grey hairs and a larger phone bill but apart from that, nothing’s changed.

And, while we’re on the subject of mental health, my neighbour is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia.  The police are here regularly listening to her stories of ‘voices in her head’ and ‘electromagnetic fields.’  She lives alone so we thought we’d try to help. 

I was told by the on-call nurse at the mental health helpline that they could only get involved if I was prepared for my comments to be reported back to my neighbour.

Well that makes a whole heap of sense, doesn’t it?  We’re dealing with a severely unwell woman who mistrusts and hates everyone and I’m meant to agree to that!

The world has gone mad and I think I’ve now joined it.

I’ll be next on the list for some therapy but, in the meantime, I’ll wait for my neighbour to stick a letter-bomb through the door.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also available in paperback at Lulu.

Up on my Soapbox

Today I’m going to be sharing five of my controversial views.

You might not like or agree with them, but it’s my blog and my opinions so read on and decide for yourselves.

Here goes with the first - it’s a biggie and has got me in quite a bit of hot water over the years but …

I DIDN’T HAVE MY SON IMMUNISED

Of course, as parents, this wasn’t a decision we took lightly and I spent most of my pregnancy reading up on the pros and cons.  I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want my son pumped with unnecessary drugs that, in this day and age, he didn’t need.  We live in London in a dry and warm house with a clean water supply, a healthy diet and in modern times.  Measles is not a killer - of course there can be complications, just as people can die from a common cold - but I wouldn’t have the fear of God put into me by alarmist Ad campaigns.  No childhood illness in the UK need result in a fatality, and we are scare-mongered into thinking they do.  I firmly believe that vaccinations line the pockets of doctors and pharmaceutical companies and I wasn’t prepared to put my son at risk purely to fund their jollies.

The upside is that, despite almost being ostracised by ante-natal mummies (“We’re protecting our babies so that you don’t have to!”) he was the healthiest of his group and avoided the constant ear, nose and throat infections - but, of course, that was just because I was ‘lucky’.

I NEVER LIKED PRINCESS DIANA

This one has caused many an argument between family and friends - how could I be so heartless?  I’m just being honest.  The simpering, shy, pathetic ‘head-down-thing’ did nothing for me.  OK, she was young and naïve when she married Charlie, and she didn’t have a great time with the whole ‘three of us in this marriage’ issue, but boy did she make up for it!

So I hear you ask, what is your real problem with her?

My answer, whenever I get shot down in flames, is I think she forgot that, first and foremost, she wasn’t a Princess or a heartbroken wife, she was a mother.

We all remember the fantastic shots of her cavorting with her boys at various holidays or on water-slides but would those images stick in her sons’ minds when they heard about the next man she was having a fling with or the fact that she might have been pregnant when she died?

Sorry Di - mother first, your needs second.

I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH LITERARY AGENTS AND PUBLISHERS

Now you can all jump up and shout “Sour grapes!”, but hear me out.

They don’t make sense.  Just this week I’ve been told that my work is ‘too commercial’.  Huh?  So what’s Jordan or any number of other celebrities who manage to get their dross published?

I’ve also been told (in the last week) “Don’t sign with anyone else, until I’ve spoken to publishers”, only to be let down the next day with “The publishing world is the worst it’s been in forty years.”

Have they asked themselves why?

New writing talent is now coming to the point where backs are being turned on the traditional route.  Agents’ days are numbered.  Check out my ‘Fabulous Feisty Indies’ (Michelle Betham, Laurel Mayer) and you’ll realise we’re a force to be reckoned with.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

LIVE IN OUR COUNTRY, LIVE BY OUR RULES

In countries where women are required to cover up, we do so out of respect for other cultures.  This is only right and proper.  When in Rome, etc.  And yet our country is heaving with muslims in burkha (covering the face is optional, by the way), posing a potential security threat, while others are demanding that Christians in certain professions should not be allowed to wear crosses for fear of causing offence.  You can’t have it both ways - demanding your own customs on the one hand while claiming offence at displays of faith by others.

We also have a growing problem with polygamy, where additional wives are given ‘single mother’ status and are hence causing a drain on our social security system through their entitlement to housing, benefits etc.  There is no onus at all for the man to fulfil his moral obligation to provide for his family - our society is actually paying for the population explosion within a culture that will eventually overwhelm our traditional family values.

Please do not misinterpret my comments as racism or faithism - I just think that our views on equality have become distorted (see previous post).

THE SMOKING BAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN OPTIONAL

Yes, we all know it’s bad for our health but some of us are hardened addicts - you must have seen us pathetically puffing up outside pubs, restaurants and clubs?

I believe that if businesses were allowed to promote themselves as ‘for smokers’ they would be booming.  Those of us who are stupid enough to be continuing with this revolting habit would be flocking there.

I, for one, would instantly head to a restaurant where I know I can quite happily light up after a meal rather than shiver like a leper in the cold.

Not big, not clever but true.

End of my controversies - told you that you might not agree, but you have the right of reply by leaving a comment … or freely expressing your opinions in your own blog!

If you want a bit more controversy, I had to publish my book in my maiden name as London mummies may never have spoken to me again.  I lived the life of Libby and that was how I was made to feel. ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is available on Amazon (see .com site outside UK) - see what you think - should I have written it?  Now also available in paperback at Lulu.

My Clutter Nutter

Our son turned sixteen at the weekend and was delighted to be given his own PC from us.  No more fighting over the home computer for his slot to do homework, play games or watch YouTube.

Sixteen and approaching manhood.  All gifts are now either computer or gadget-based with the odd book, deodorant or clothes thrown in for good measure.

So let me take you on a tour of the house that we share with this teen.  I’d heartily recommend a hard hat and steel capped boots.  Also, if you’re an asthma sufferer, please make sure you have medication with you as vast quantities of dust will be involved.

Let’s start with the kitchen/diner - to our left you’ll see a green toy box under the stairs.  Let’s have a closer look inside shall we?  Ooh, two hundred matchbox cars and assorted bits of ‘very important tat’ accumulated for over a decade and never touched.

Cupboard to the right - a fairy princess castle (!), a ‘dig your own fossil’ kit (unused), boxes of magic tricks, a dozen or so board games and a popcorn maker.  Once moved, none of this goes back as successfully as it came out and will usually result in a few choice expletives. (us not him)

Welsh dresser cupboards - numerous sticker and colouring-in books, a second tranche of board games, dried up felt tip pens and a cardboard puppet theatre.

Welsh dresser drawer - every Kinder egg toy known to man circa 1997 - 2003, McDonalds toys and assorted trashy party bag gifts i.e.: rubbers, yo-yos, bouncy balls.

Kitchen cupboards one, two and three - Play dough and cutters, paints, glitter, glue, feathers, beads, balloons, painting by numbers, more felt tips and various incomplete works of art.

Upstairs to the sitting room and all looks fairly normal - TV, Playstation 3, new PC … but look behind the door.  Another bigger toy box filled to the gunnels with trains, cars, puppets, more yo-yos and things with tangled wires that hold the whole mish mash of stuff together in an unruly heap (I’m sure most of you can relate to an uncoiled Slinky which pulls everything into its grasp).  There’s also a shelf filled with DVDs and PS3 games which involve shooting blood from zombies and severed limbs from soldiers.  But if you just move one slightly to the left you’ll see they nestle incongruously with ‘Sooty’ and ‘Rugrats’ videos.

Up to the top floor and his bedroom also looks like that of a normal teenage boy - guitar, keyboard, amp, socks, rolled up bits of paper and general junk.  Until you notice the bulging cupboard doors, behind which lurk every baby-toy, puzzle, game and teddy ever bought or given.  Not to mention under the bed, boxes of Lego, marbles, more trains and dressing up gear - even every school exercise book he’s ever completed.

Add to this approximately 200 reading books (takes after his mother!) and over 300 Beano comics and that just about sums up our little hoarder.

We’ve obviously done what every self respecting parent does at some point in their journey through parenthood, known as the ‘the sneaky chuck’, but we have a particular breed of hoarder on our hands - the one with the memory of an elephant.  Every gift, large or small, is readily recalled by him - who gave it to him and when.

This obviously makes the sneaky chuck virtually impossible.  He’s yet to discover that his toy ironing board and hoover have made their way to the charity shop but, if he ever does, I fear things may get messy.

We’ve even tried monetary incentive with him and suggested a car-boot sale.  We’ve tried to get him to envisage every jigsaw puzzle as a pound, every Lego set as four, a box full of odds and sods at 10p an item and you soon have (in this case) at least few hundred quid.

But no, this is a hardened hoarder we’re dealing with - too sentimental to part with anything.  He admits he’ll never play with his ‘Kitty Vet’ or ‘Puff-Along-Thomas’ again but he just needs to know they’re there.

So we plod on living in a house that looks like a cross between the Early Learning Centre and Toys R Us.

When he finally flies the nest, I wonder just how much of this essential history will find its way onto the removal van and how much he’ll expect to leave behind with good old Mum and Dad. Can’t help but feel that most of it will be ready for the Antiques Road Show rather than a car-boot by then.

Did you know you can read eBooks on your computer or Smartphone with a free app from Amazon?

Why not give my debut novel ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ a go.  It’s available on Amazon.co.uk or .com.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Help Save the Children (No donation required!)

I only blog on Wednesdays now but am making an exception today as I’ve been tagged by Maria@feistytapas to take part in a worthy cause.

On Saturday, The Save the Children Campaign held their first blogging conference.

When we moan about the NHS we need to stop and think that children in the poorest countries are dying purely because of the lack of basic healthcare.

Half of the 8 million children who die each year are in Africa, yet Africa has only 3% of the world’s doctors, nurses and midwives.

We all watch the news and see the adverts which break our hearts but usually feel there's nothing we can do unless we put our hands in our pockets.

Well there is - and this is where bloggers are taking action.  Founding Twitterers @michelletwinmum and @helloitsgemma set their initial target for 100 people to sign the petition at Save the Children and then to write 100 words about a health care professional they have dealt with in the past.  We must then tag other bloggers.

So instead of sitting back and doing nothing or feeling guilty because we never get around to making that donation, we can sign THIS PETITION to makes these requests:

Dear Prime Minister,
We call on the UK Government to:
1) Attend a high level event during the UN General Assembly where the UK and other governments make commitments to fund, train, deploy and support more health workers.
2) Commit new and additional support to help key countries strengthen their health workforce.
3) By the end of the year,  articulate how the government will support countries to deliver on the UN Global Strategy on Women’s and Children’s Health.

MY HEALTHCARE STORY

When I gave birth to my son, I needed to be cut and stitched.  During the days that followed his birth, the stitches were agony - so much so that I could barely sit.

In the comfort of my own bedroom, my cool and calm midwife removed a couple that were causing the trouble and I felt like a new woman.

Looking back, as much as it was unpleasant at the time, I realise how fortunate I was - not only to have my lovely midwife, but to have had the professional services on hand to carry out an episiotomy in the first place.  In poorer countries, women and babies are dying purely because a simple procedure such as this would present a major risk.

Please help by joining this great cause and signing the petition above.

I now tag fellow blogger & Twitterers:

@michellebetham

@laurelmayer

@thepamperbox

@writerdove

Thank you.

A-Z of Me

Today I’ve been tagged by the lovely WriterDove (after she’d been tagged by MelkshamMum) to write an A-Z about me, based on a set of questions. So here goes …

ANORAK … Do you have a sad side?

Insisting that my loved ones ‘check in’ with me.  Making sure they’ve arrived safely and all is well.

BODY … What physical attribute would you most like to change?

I would love to have a new bladder - I’m not saying it’s ‘leaky’ it just fills very quickly and makes the theatre or travelling a nightmare.

CELEBRITY … Which one would you most like to date and why?

Curtis Stigers, Richard Gere, Colin Firth, Dec (not Ant), Tim Minchin.  Oh ONE, sorry!  And why?  Because they’re gorgeous and hubbie wants Kylie!

DEBUT … Tell us about your first ever blog post. What made you start blogging?

First ever blog was about school phobia, as my son suffered with it from the age of 11.  I began blogging to promote my book but also to train myself to write every day - even when I didn’t want to.

ERROR … What’s been your biggest regret?

Starting smoking.  It’s foul, expensive and has me horribly in its grip.

FUNNY … Who’s making you laugh?

My husband, son, mother and friends.  They never cease to amaze me with their wit.

GRAND … If we gave you one right now what would you spend it on?

It would be gobbled up by our debts before I had the chance to spend it on clothes and shoes.

HOLIDAY … What’s your favourite destination?

Holiday?  What’s one of those then?

IRRITATE … What’s your most annoying habit?

My husband tells me that it’s leaving my toothbrush at the end of the bath.  I’m not irritating!

JOKER … What’s your favourite joke (the one that makes you laugh every time you hear it)?

What’s the difference between kinky and perverse?

Kinky is using a feather, perverse is using the whole chicken!

KENNEL … Do you have any pets?

We have two cats and two (stinking) goldfish.  I would love to have my old dog Ralfie back but he’s now in doggie heaven.

LOVE … Are you single, married, engaged, living with a long term partner?

I am married (17 years) to my soul mate and bestest friend ever.  With him by my side, anything is possible.  (but not the whole chicken!)

MEAL … What’s your ultimate starter, main and dessert?

As much as I’m a bit of a foodie, I think I’d go pretty retro with a prawn and avocado salad, steak and salad followed by cheese and biscuits.

NOW … If you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with?

With my sister and having a laugh - unlikely and not happened for a while but I live in hope.

OFF DUTY … What do you do in your spare time?

Listen to music, read, play Guitar Hero with hubbie and son, have mad dinner parties with friends, knit, make cards, cook and visit charity shops.  Addicted to Gold TV when the Writing Fairy abandons me.

PROUD MOMENTS … What are you most proud of?

My proudest moment was giving birth to a fantastic son (natch!).  I’m also proud of my marriage, my mother and my nephew.

QUEASY … What turns your stomach?

Apart from the obvious - pee, poo and blood - the thought of anything happening to one of my loved ones can have me rushing to the loo.

RELAX … How do you relax?

I do yoga three times a week but wine is much nicer.  You can’t combine the two though, I’ve tried.

SONG … What’s your favourite song of all time?

‘Picture in a Frame’ by Tom Waits.  Not the prettiest voice in the world but listening to it makes me think of my lovely dad (although he’d never heard it - it’s all in the words).

TIME … If you could go back in time and relive it again, when would you choose?

Probably our wedding day.  I would say the day I gave birth, but getting married was more fun, less painful and didn’t involve gas and air.

UNKNOWN … Tell us something about yourself that no one else knows?

I’m very open and honest so I can’t think of anything.  I once had sex with Richard Gere?  Will that do?

VOCAL … Who is your favourite artist?

Being greedy once more - Bowie, Tom Waits, Ella Fitzgerald, Curtis Stigers, Manilow, The Beatles.  The list is endless.

WORK … What’s your dream job and are you doing it now?

Writing or acting.  Have had a go at both and am still finding my way.

XRAY … Any broken bones?

No but I suffer from bouts of sciatica due to a recurring disc bulge.

YIKES … What’s been your most embarrassing moment?

Too many to mention!  I covered these in My Watermelon Moments.

ZOO … If you were an animal, which one would you be?

I really wouldn’t want to be a zoo animal - they live outdoors and I like my creature comforts.  Please can I be a pampered pooch or lap cat?

I now tag my fellow “Fabulous Feisty Indies” writers, who I know will rise to the challenge - Michelle Betham and Laurel Mayer.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.