Little Boy Lost

I found a child in the park yesterday.

There he was, snot bubbling, blotchy teary eyes, clutching his scooter as he wandered aimlessly around the park café saying “Mummy? …There must be somebody here!”

He was about four and totally terrified.

Other mums looked on - and did nothing.  But were they sharing my thoughts?  Should I get involved?  Would it make me look like a paedophile?  In an age where even female nursery assistants are involved in child abuse, what if the mother suddenly appeared and thought I was trying to grab him?

When he made to leave the balcony area of the café mumbling “I go look for her”, I decided I had to do something.  I wouldn’t be one of those people too weak to step in and take action.

As I did so, you could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the other mothers.  “Phew, I don’t have to get involved,” it said.

He explained to me that his little brother had been naughty and run away and his mum had gone to look for him.  This meant that she’d obviously return to the café for the ‘Lost One’.

He kept insisting that he go across the park and look for her and I knew this wouldn’t be a good move - it’s a huge park and there was a big charity event going on.  He would have become totally lost or worse.

Through his tears, he kept saying “I don’t know why she’d leave me here!”  It was heartbreaking.  I told him that his mummy hadn’t meant to leave him there and that she’d definitely be back for him soon.  He needed to know that she’d return to the place she’d left him and he must stay put.

Thankfully he held my hand (and relinquished his scooter!) so I knew he wasn’t going to dash off anywhere.

Eventually a frantic mum appeared in the distance, dragging along ‘The Naughty One’. The relief on both mother and son’s faces said it all.  She thanked me and made a hasty retreat, clearly wanting to get home for a stiff G&T.

This event left me questioning why we’re so reluctant to make a move in situations where we know help is needed.  I’m always telling my husband and son never to get involved in ‘have a go hero’ actions.  My advice is always, if you see trouble, move away and call the police.  Your one ‘good citizen’ move could see you with a knife in the back.

But where children are concerned, and the only danger is to them, why are we so tentative?  It would be my worst nightmare to have ever lost my son in a park (never happened, as I’m the No: 1 paranoid mother!) but if I had, I would have hoped that a caring parent would have taken him under their wing and reassured him until we were reunited.

Those mothers who just looked on and then looked away would surely want someone to step in if it were their child?

What would you have done?  Did I do the right thing or should I have turned a blind eye?  A friend’s mother got a good telling off for interfering a few years back - child wasn’t lost, just distraught.  But how was she to know?

To finish on a lighter note, we were stuck in traffic a few days ago and we saw an elderly lady leave McDonald’s with her skirt tucked in her knickers - all on show to the world, she tottered down the high street.  Suddenly a young girl came running out of McD’s and obviously told her of her faux pas - she sheltered her from behind as the old lady sorted herself out.

This simple act restored my faith in human kindness.

It also had me questioning, would I have done the same thing?  Because you just never know if you’re going to be on the receiving end of a black eye for your troubles!

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Sound the Trumpets (Part Two)

Last month I shared my UK reviews (see post) with you so today I’m thanking my ‘.com’ readers and publishing a selection of their thoughts on ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’.

I’ve never been one to brag, but needs must!

Kimmidoll - Captivating page turner!

Congratulations to the author on writing the first book in a long time that I was hesitant to put down (although unfortunately my Mummy Misfit life required that I sneak bits in here and there whenever I could). Diary of a Mummy Misfit is a ‘must read’ book that draws you in by it's colourful characters and entertaining scenarios. This is a story that on more than one occasion had me likening particular events to my own life. The characters are relatable and you will often feel yourself getting caught up in the emotions that they are experiencing - be it anxiety, fear, joy or relief. Reading this book on a Kindle meant that I never really knew how many pages I had left in the book and whilst I wanted to read ahead and find the resolution to each hilarious issue that Libby encountered, I didn't want to reach the end of the book. I quickly felt enveloped into Libby's misfit life and have often found myself wondering what she is up to now. I can highly recommend this book as an entertaining and captivating read.

Jane - Laughs mixed in with real life pen portraits!

I loved ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ and read it practically in one sitting. I was completely transported into Libby's world - the worries of not fitting in; trying to work out who are the real people and who are the fakes; watching the people around tackle with their own life journeys. The organising of the Christmas fete and associated commands from those on high brought back memories of being involved in committees with useless figureheads. I felt Libby's pain and Fenella's rage. Amanda accurately creates the world of private education where the "haves" often consider everyone else to be beneath them and the "have nots", who more often than not are just like us - normal people tackling real world challenges. Yes money does make life a lot easier, but most of us are making ends meet on average incomes and struggling to fit in and look right. (Even if we deny it). Being a complete chick lit addict I can't wait for Amanda's next book! BTW I'm not a mum so will never get to experience the wait at the gate or the boring social evenings. Can't say I'm too upset about that based on ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’!

Mike - The crazy world of British Private Education

I came to this after enjoying the frantic ‘May contain nuts’ by John O’Farrell. I polished this off during a pleasant flight to the Sun - Thank you my lovely little Kindle! ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is a much more anchored, realistic tale of life amongst the Battersea / Fulham set. Lot's of modern cameos - someone will have fun putting this on the screen - all the usual Mumsnet suspects : LK Bennett, Guardian readers, Bankers, Ac-tors, Cath Kidston, Alpha Mummies, Range Rover drivers. Those irreproachably, irredeemably middle class ‘Social Stereotypes’ from the Telegraph.  As a book, it certainly makes you think - why have literally millions given up on Blair's Bog Standard State Schools and Academies in London? Why are more nearly a fifth of all Six formers in Private Education? And what is it about affluence that makes people even more insecure?  Curious that it's only on Kindle - you'd think it would have been a Blog which turned into a Paperback. Maybe there's a ‘Julie and Julia’ style blog somewhere that I don't know about.  Going back to John O’Farrell's book - ‘May contain Nuts’ was an amusing read, and an entertaining TV play, but would have been better without the exam substitution and ultimate conclusion.  ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is the better book -realistic characters, and better social commentary on those terrifying Schoolgate Mothers. Could have done with some more polishing - think of it as the Yummy Mummy's version of the ‘Manchild’ BBC TV series, but I enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to Amanda Egan's next book. Conclusion: Ideal holiday or commuter read - for Mumsnet Alpha Mummies and their, almost, patient husbands.

Tara L. - A Kindle Store Gem

I discovered this book while browsing for a holiday read and wasn't disappointed. I hadn't heard of the author, but the storyline appealed and the free download sample was as good as any chick lit I'd read in diary format.  Brought plenty of laughs and the author perceptively sums up some very recognisable types you meet in the vulgar monied set. This isn't wealth bashing, but it makes you question who is richer. Something for everyone - chaotic family life, school gate competitiveness, gays, a cultural mix - all wrapped up in witty and well captured observations.  A definite recommend!! If you like a diary, it's a grown-up Bridget Jones without the snobbery of Rachel Johnson. Should be in paperback.

Laurel Mayer - Funny, Bright & Witty! Loved it!

The diary format of this book serves it so well! Libby's diary reads with such humor and sharp wit that it is impossible to not laugh at her candid remarks about her daily interactions. Libby's diary reflects all the things that one thinks, but doesn't say. There is so much to love about Libby. She doesn't take herself too seriously and her easy personality makes it completely natural to cheer her on as she takes on some rather cold and callous characters. Love the British humor as well as the universal themes that Amanda Egan explores. Overall this is an extremely witty novel from a debut author. Can't wait for the next book!

So there you go - a few more happy readers and a few more reasons why you should buy my book.

‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is available on Amazon UK or Com for Kindle, PC or Smartphone   (you can download a free viewing App for these at the Kindle store).  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Vocation, Vocation, Vocation ...

I’ve blogged in the past about jobs I’d love to do for a day (see older post) so thought I’d share the five jobs I’d NEVER want to do.

Out of pure nosiness, I’m also tagging some fellow bloggers/writers at the end of this post - the one’s I know will rise to the challenge!

First up …

I could never be a surgeon, doctor, midwife, gynaecologist, vet - in fact any profession which involves flesh, puke, pee, poo or blood.  I just can’t do it.  I only have to see a tiny cut with a few bubbles of blood and my knees start to play up with the ‘wobbles’. The smell of vomit has me instantly retching - and I’m such a baby I still cry when I (rarely) throw up.

Security guard in a shop - now I’m not being snobby here, I’ve worked in enough stores as a Saturday girl in my time and that was boring enough - but how do these guys keep themselves awake?  They stand, often in the same position, for hours on end.  The most exciting thing likely to happen is a quick wander around the store or the thrill of a shoplifter.  I’d like to think that they either go into some kind of Zen-like meditative state or maybe, with all the people-watching they do, are constructing a best-selling novel in their head - ‘I Know What You Did in Aisle Five’

As much as I love animals and I said that I’d do it for a day if I could have my memory erased afterwards, I couldn’t work with rescue animals.  I just wouldn’t be able to sleep in my bed for worrying about them.  My house would become a refuge for all my ‘favourites’ and then I’d worry about the ones I’d left behind.  I even lie in bed some nights when it’s raining and worry about all the creatures that are out there in the storm.  Yes, I’m really that bad!  Hubby knows that I should never be set lose on animals - I’ll often try to bring a ‘stray’ home from the park or I’ll fall in love with a particularly scruffy dog (the best) and be love-sick for days!

With my fear of flying, I don’t think it would be a great idea for me to be part of a cabin crew.  Hey, it would be great for meeting all those fantastic gay guys but I think I’d be fired on my first day for knocking back the bubbly (to calm my nerves!) and screaming hysterically every time we hit the slightest bit of turbulence.  I’m the type of passenger who watches every move and facial expression of the crew.  Why isn’t she smiling?  Why is he looking flustered?  I like to befriend them so that when we’re about to crash, I’m the first to know.  I once became SO close to a lovely gay trolley-dolly that, when he should have been strapped in his seat, he was holding my hand, wiping away my pathetic tears (ear problems) and telling me that if anyone should have been upgraded to First Class, it should have been me!  No, a career in travel is not for me - or the passengers!

I used to say that I’d hate to be a toilet attendant.  Yuck, it’s pee, poo and blood all over again.  I still believe it would be incredibly boring (and smelly) but my opinion changed (just ever so slightly) when I visited Harrods a few weeks back.  As loos go, pretty plush - not the ideal working environment but, if you’re going to work in a bog, it must be one of the best.  I still felt that it would be the most mind-numbingly boring job in the world but … one thing caught my eye.  I saw the amount of money that was handed to the lovely Jamaican lady who greeted everyone with a smile and an offer of designer perfume.  She cleaned, she polished, she sang and had sparkly chat and witty repartee with the piddling ladies.  I’d imagine twenty of our Great British Pounds would have crossed her palm in the time it took me to do my double squirt (wee and Lancôme perfume).  I just hope that Harrods are decent enough to let her keep all the money - she deserves it.

So, that’s my five … over to other great bloggers, my ‘Fabulous Feisty Indies’.

What job would you say “NO” to?

@michellebetham

@Laurel_mayer

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Return to Sender

Last night I saw that nerve-janglingly irritating advert …

“It’s Mother Nature here, with your monthly gift.”

Oh boy, it’s just as well I’m not suffering from PMT at the moment because the effect that it has on me when I’m ‘normal’ is bad enough - I want to maim someone.

I’ve taken part in many market researches in the past and I quite simply cannot believe that this ad was run past sane, level headed women for approval.

Along with ‘Have a happy period’ the advertising agencies have just got this so wrong.  It can only have been a group of suits who came up with these mad campaigns.

Let’s set the record straight, shall we?  The monthly cycle is neither a gift nor happy.  Would you like to open a beautifully decorated box only to discover a period?  No, I thought not.  And unless delighted not to be pregnant, I don’t know of many women who skip joyfully down the street with a glint in their eye and a song in their heart on the day of its arrival.

Here are the facts:

Periods can be painful.  As a teen the only thing they’re good for is getting off sport.  I once had three in a month!

They can be worrying.  You can spend your life trying not to get pregnant and then when you want to, you can’t.

They mess with your sex-life, your underwear and your moods.

They will always arrive on the day you least want them.  White trousers today?  Oops sorry!

They make you look and feel like a slug.

They make you eat the most ridiculous amount of chocolate.

They don’t just arrive - they take their time.  Agonisingly sore boobs, swollen belly, a zit here, a zit there - NOW I’ll move in for the kill.

Periods cannot and should not be glamorised.  ‘Pearl’ tampons don’t make the whole experience prettier.  I like to wear pearls around my neck and on my ears and don’t want to associate them with monthlies.  Similarly, a zany little leopard skin holder is not a discreet way to carry our ‘needs’ - everybody knows what’s in it! (Funny story here; my son saw one in a charity shop and nearly bought it for me because he thought it was a mini cigarette case!).

Why do these products need to be advertised at all?  It’s not like we have a choice as to whether or not we buy them.  I can honestly say that I have never watched an ad and thought, “Mmm, must give that a go next month.”

I’ll soon be approaching the menopause (another one of your lovely gifts, Mother Nature?) so I will be able to say goodbye to the ‘joy’ you have provided me with month after month since I was thirteen.

Forgive me if I don’t wipe a tear from my eye and look back fondly over my time as a menstruating (what a word!) woman.  But you see, as gifts go, this one stinks.  It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if you’d managed to level the score sheet up and provided the male species with something equally as yucky - and don’t go throwing the “Oh but they have to shave every day” line in - I know some post menopausal women who have to do that as well.

So as my time with ‘Auntie Flo’ draws to its close, the only thing that gives me a real laugh is the day I found out about her.  My mum called me into the kitchen where she was furiously ironing sheets and very matter-of-factly filled me in.  It wasn’t until years later when my two sisters and I were discussing it with her, that we found out she’d used the same ‘distracting ironing technique’ on all of us.

Now, pack your bags and get out of town.

For a peek into my debut novel 'Diary of a Mummy Misfit' (or synopsis at Amazon link to right), view my previous posts 'A Taste of Mummy Misfit' and 'Second Helpings of Mummy Misfit'.  Now also available in paperback at Lulu.

There's no 'U' in Committee

Have you ever been a member of a committee?

I’ve worked on a couple - one for a well known local charity and one for my son’s prep school (this particular one lasted for about five years in total).

They were … how shall I put this? … interesting experiences!

Committees should work as a team.  A collective body of seemingly like-minded people coming together to discuss an objective and to get the job done smoothly and effectively.

Yeah, right!

Maybe I’ve been on some dodgy ones but, from conversations I’ve had with others, I think you can always expect to find ‘the types’ who are more obstructive than useful.

Here are my top ten tips for being a valuable member (and not a tool!)

1. The meeting has not been laid on for your benefit.  No one cares how difficult it’s been to make time for this in your busy schedule.  We don’t want to know about your youngest’s bowel habits or your painful Brazilian.  In short, this is not a platform for you.

2. Only speak if you have something really vital to add to the proceedings.  And then be concise - people have homes to go to and unnecessary comments or repetition really aren’t helpful.

3. If there’s alcohol involved, please try to limit yourself to a couple of glasses.  You might become very passionate about a subject that, in the morning, will mean nothing to you.  It’s a meeting not a party.

4. Don’t sit and constantly brag about, “How things used to work when I was Chair.”  You’re not chair anymore and sometimes a reshuffle can only be a good thing.

5. If you want to use the meeting to moan about every single issue discussed (or some not even on the agenda) and how things should be done differently, maybe it’s time you moved on.  Devil’s Advocate is OK but doing it just to cause mischief is time-wasting.

6. Be prepared to do some actual graft rather than just be a mouthpiece.  And if you commit to a job, do it.  It’s not fair to be a passenger and then bathe in the afterglow of a job well done by someone else.

7. Chucking bucket-loads of money at your cause and bragging about it really won’t make you popular.  You could be doing that from a much quieter and more dignified position.  No one likes a show off.

8. You must have a genuine desire to make a difference. This isn’t a forum to big up your ego or to score social points.

9. Go in with a spirit of compromise rather than get arsey if your ideas aren’t accepted.

10. Be punctual.  It might be socially acceptable to arrive at a party fashionably late but we have a table of people waiting to get down to business and we really don’t care if you’ve made a stunning entrance in this year’s Prada.

Meeting is now adjourned, minutes taken and issues discussed.

Thank you!

Join Libby and Fenella in my debut novel ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ as they encounter the mad world of committees, bitching and botox.  Available at Amazon for Kindle. Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Excuse me, you just got my goat

I’m running with one of the Twitter trends today with “Ways to Pee me off”.  I know I’ve blogged about my Room 101’s before (see older post), so I’m venting my spleen purely about overly-used or irritating phrases.  I may be guilty of using some of them myself but there are a few here that I would never use and they just drive me nuts!

I admit that sometimes it’s not necessarily about what’s being said but the tone with which it’s delivered and whether or not it’s coming from the right place with good intentions.

So let’s kick off with …

“Listen …”

Ok, I’m sitting talking to you, what else would I be doing?  Frankly, this word should never be used on anyone but a toddler in need of ‘Super Nanny’.  Please don’t say it to me, unless I appear to be hysterical or having a major temper tantrum.

“I’m not being funny but …”

So if you’re not being funny, why do you need to start the sentence with it?  I just know that I’m not going to enjoy the words which follow and you’ve set me up for a fall.  Think Nessa in ‘Gavin & Stacey’ and it says it all.  This sentence is never followed by a gag, a punch-line or even the hint of a giggle - it’s designed to cause damage.

“To be honest …”

Hmmm?  I would expect you to be honest with me all of the time.  So normally you’re not?

“If I were you …”

Yes, well you’re NOT.  You don’t walk in my shoes and have no right to tell me what you would do if you were me.

This is one of the ones that can be said at the right time to the right person when they are actually looking and asking for advice.  Never without invite.

It should also never be followed by “What you should have done …”  Hindsight is a great thing - don’t we all know that?

“They’ve gone to find themselves”

Hello?  You are where you are.  Running away to a retreat or trekking up Machu Picchu will still mean that you’ve taken the same mixed up person with you.  Deal with what you are, where you are and bloody well get on with it.  Running away means you return to the same ‘you’ - only maybe a bit more relaxed - your circumstances will still be there to overcome.

“We’re going to have a good drink”

So what’s a bad drink?  And why do you feel you need to go out and get absolutely bladdered to enjoy yourself?  It just sounds so pre-meditated and vulgar, as if it’s the be-all and end-all of your evening, rather than the company.

“If I could just stop you there?”

Actually, no, you can’t.  But because you’ve posed it so politely as a question, to make me look churlish if I refuse, I have no choice.  It doesn’t matter that I’m mid-flow with all my thoughts lined up, you’ve lost interest and decided that yours take precedence over mine.

“I did it on accident”

NO!  You did it by accident.  This appears to be a new one that kids have come up with but, I hate to say, it’s filtering into adult lingo.  What on earth is on accident?  I’m sorry it makes no sense to me.

“Marinade/marinate”

Being a bit of a foodie and addicted to ‘Come Dine With Me’ this one just drives me to distraction.  Let’s put it right once and for all … you make a marinade and you marinate over night.  One is a noun and one is a verb.

Phew!  That feels better.

Oh boy, just heard another one I hate … “What’s for dinner?”

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

A Week in the Life

Following in the footsteps of the lovely Frances Lewis (motherventing) I’m going to tell you five things that happened last week in the life of a Mummy Misfit.

We collected our son’s GCSE results.  The rain was pelting down and the skies were black (‘pathetic fallacy’, our son told us, remembering this from his English lessons!).  Well, he was right on the money where his English result was concerned - a C grade!  This didn’t really come as a surprise - he may have sprung from the loins of a writer but it’s his least favourite subject - he can spell any word in the English dictionary, has a fantastic vocabulary and the memory of an elephant but, ask him to write a structured essay and it all goes t*ts up!  Anyway, he managed to get 5 As, 3 B’s and 3 C’s.  Considering he took these exams a year early and missed almost two years of schooling due to school phobia (see older post) we were incredibly proud of him.  He achieved the grades he needs to do his chosen A levels - so it all begins again.

We then celebrated with his best friend and his family - a cosy dinner with drinks in the garden to start.  We toasted our boys’ successes with a cool glass of wine whilst the evil mozzies feasted on my deliciously succulent legs.  Gggggrrrr!  What is it with mosquitoes and me?  They just adore my blood and quite simply can’t get enough.  I’ve spent the last few days wriggling about and scratching like a leper. My normally slender ankle turned into a blotchy swollen ‘cankle’ and my calf looked like I had the muscle of a Russian shot-putter.   I HATE THEM … what purpose do they even serve?  I’m thinking of starting a ‘Down with Mozzie’ campaign.  Anyone want to join me or, if not, at least let me know why we have to share the planet with them?

We also had hubbie's sister and brother-in-law over from Australia for a few days.  The British weather was kind to us to begin with but on their last day it delivered what it does best - grey and constant drizzle.  What did we do with our guests who had travelled half way round the world to London?  We went bowling and then returned home to play Guitar Hero!  But then, as another rellie pointed out, I suppose it’s not what you’re doing, it’s who you’re doing it with.  A great time was had by all!  Especially when my sister-in-law decided to be the ‘Granny Go-Go Dancer’ in the mosh pit!  Oh and I also received the most fantastic Mummy Misfit apron from hubbie’s other sister.  It’s just perfect; frills, polka dots, a low cut neckline and even bling on the pocket.

I downloaded and read fellow Indie author Michelle Betham’s eBook, ‘Too Much Trouble in Paradise’.  This confirmed to me that publishers are missing out on a wealth of talent and now ‘sisters are doin’ it for themselves!’ (AKA, collectively with Laurel Mayer, the ‘Fabulous Feisty Indies’).  She whisked me through her plot with sparkling dialogue and the constant niggling question as to who the love-torn heroine would end up with.  Please support this new writer and, if you’re looking for a giggle with some Northern wit in the sunshine, you won’t be disappointed.

The final piece of excellent good news we received this week is that my lovely nephew may finally be well enough to return to his part time job in October after being unable to work since last December.  Let me share this lovely chap with you.  Born prematurely, 38 years ago, he has learning difficulties.  You couldn’t wish to meet a more sociable and lovable guy - the life and soul of any party with a smile that can light a room and some pretty mean dance moves!  Just before Christmas last year he started to have pains in his side with violent bouts of sickness.  He was finally diagnosed with pancreatitis as a gall stone had made its way through the lining of his pancreas.  This could have been life-threatening.  Christmas was a blur for him (and a massive worry for our family) as he was on constant morphine and rigged up to an epidural.  Endless procedures later, he finally left hospital five months later, although still attached to drains and feeding drips.  I don’t know of anyone who could have endured what he went through while still (mainly) managing to keep a smile on his face and a joke for the nurses.  His courage and determination should be a lesson to all of us in our family and I take my hat off to him.  He’s an incredibly special person and a much loved nephew - I hope he knows that - and if my son grows up to be half as decent as him, I’ll be a proud mum.

So that’s a few happy happenings from the past week of a Mummy Misfit.  Who knows what next week will bring, but let’s hope it involves more good news.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.