My 'Lady Bugs'

I’m not a nasty person.  I like to think I have a good heart and see the best in folk.  I try not to bitch about people - but let’s be honest, we all do a little bit - don’t we?  Don’t we?

I’m certainly not like the ‘Meemies’ in my book and, although I’m a mummy, I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘yummy’ - I’m just an OK looking forty-something year old.

But while I consider myself a decent good-hearted soul, I still have my list of things that really get my goat about my fellow sex.  If you’re guilty of any of them, I apologise in advance, but I can’t help my bug-bears.

MY TOP TEN FEMALE (frivolous) CRIMES:

Wearing leggings with a top that isn’t long enough to cover your ‘below bits’.  I’m sorry ladies, leggings are great with a floaty top or long shirt but please don’t leave your ‘frou-frou’ on show.  It’s really not a good look when all we can see is your camel claw or knicker line.  Also please don’t wear them with high heels - flats or boots only - the ‘Max Wall Look’ has never been a popular one.

Chipped nail varnish.  Uurggh!  If you can’t find five minutes in the day to keep your nails neat, don’t wear nail varnish.  It’s really not that difficult.  Or go for very pale or clear and it’s not so obvious.

Very, very, very thin painted eye-brows.  Why?  There’s a news reader who has particularly bizarre ‘square bracket’ shaped ones and I never take in the news when she’s presenting because I’m always too busy looking at her mesmerising pencil lines.

Crocs!  Who invented these monstrous shoes and how did they ever manage to sell?  Now I’m all for comfort - that’s why I wear my Fit-Flops - but there’s comfort and there’s ‘Shoot me now because I’ve totally given up caring about how I look’.  They’re made of rubber for goodness sake - why would any grown woman want to wear a lump of shapeless rubber on her feet, in the most unattractive shade of puke green or pus yellow?

Jewellery which states relationships like ‘Mum’ or ‘Nan’.  Again, why?  You know you’re a mum or a grandmother, why do you feel it needs to be advertised?  I understand that these items will have been bought by a loved-one with the best intentions, but if my son ever bought me one I’d disown him.  I’d rather he bought me a pound shop beaded special.

Dummy licking.  If a baby or toddler drops a dummy on the floor, please don’t stick it in your gob to ‘clean’ it.  Also don’t lick a tissue to wipe children’s mouths.  It’s foul and makes me want to vomit.  Did you enjoy it as a child?  Not nice, don’t do it.

Talking to someone at a party and constantly looking past their shoulder to see if there’s someone more interesting to talk to.  It really is the height of rudeness and will be the quickest way to get me moving on to talk to someone else.  I’ve watched women do this to me, and to others, at many a drinks party and I always wonder what they’re hoping the next conversation will bring.  Do they ever really find it?

Wearing a beautifully cut and shaped strappy top or dress and then showing off your bra straps.  Somebody went to the effort of designing a great garment, which you chose for its flattering shape, and you mess up all the lines and features by contrasting it with your undies (have you never heard of a strapless bra?).  I just want you all to get ‘Gokked’.

Overly massive, shiny, vinyl handbags with bling, glitz and studs.  I know sometimes you ‘yummies’ need to have a larger bag to cosset your precious toy breed dogs but, honestly, some of them are big enough to house a family of five.  Worn on the shoulder, I’ve seen many almost take my elderly mother off her feet in passing.

Women who write about things they don’t like about other women.  I mean, who’s to say anyone wants to listen to your trivial bleatings?  There are probably very many women walking around right now thinking how hot they look in their Crocs and leggings with the outline of their ‘lady gardens’ on show to all and sundry.  Who are you to say otherwise?  The Fashion Police?

Bet I’ve got you thinking about your own now, haven’t I?  Go on, release your inner bitch.  Or are there any on my list you totally disagree with?  Come on ladies, lipsticks at dawn!

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.