Such a short word.
But it hurts.
Sometimes.
Other times it leaves you numb and feeling like you're looking down at yourself - a bit like you're detached from your body or waking up from a nightmare.
My lovely mum is gone. How did that even happen? Silly question. She was 88, had come to the end of her journey and ... pffft ... passed. But at 51, I wasn't ready. There was still so much to say and so much I THOUGHT I could do for her. I was wrong. Time ran out and that stinks.
So what does grief and the stupid grieving process mean to me?
* feeling like my life will never be the same again. And of course it won't.
* hating the fact that my life will never be the same again. And panicking.
* lying in a bath until it goes cold because I don't see the point of getting out.
* forgetting to get dressed. Again, what's the point?
* constantly saying sorry. 'Sorry Mum. I could have done this or I should have done that.'
* wondering when I'll feel 'normal' again.
* not wanting to feel 'normal' again.
* trying to find 'me' in a new routine.
* not having a routine.
* making excuses to myself for not going back to her house.
* (this is a bad one - don't think I'm totally evil, please) looking at old people and asking why they're still alive and my mum isn't.
* contemplating 'What's it all about?' Is she really with my dad now? Is she really finally at peace and happy?
* asking myself if I'll ever write again. How can I immerse myself in a world of fluffy fun and frippery when my heart is black and heavy.
* knowing that my mum would give me a good telling off and tell me she was proud of me and FORCE me to write again.
* praying that the 'Oh no' feeling will stop and I'll wake up one morning and see some joy again and a reason to get out of bed.
THAT'S what grief means to me.
On the upside ... I've lost a stone in weight and truly know that I am feeling this pain because I had the best mummy ever.
And she will help me find my way.
Somehow.
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| With my Mum on her last birthday |
There are no words that I can say that will give you any comfort and anyone who tells you that it'll get better is telling lies. You just have to get over the shock of it all and learn to live a different life. I feel so sorry for you - grief stinks!! I really hope you find some comfort and strength and learn to enjoy life again. I know how much you did for your mum and she was VERY lucky to have you. Allow yourself as much time, tears and anger as you need and I'm sure you'll be fine. No-one can ever take the happy memories away, they're yours for keeps so try and enjoy them. Sending love x
ReplyDeleteThank you. I know you've been there too. The fog will lift one day xx
DeleteUnfortunately it all sounds normal especially the feeling that you could have done more, better etc. You are never ready to lose your mother especially if they have been such a big part of your life as you lost your father young, like me. But if they were a good parent they prepared you by making you strong and confident in yourself and your skills. But you have to go through the pain there is no other way - you would not be the great human being you are if you did not feel it.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking I hadn't seen you on my Twitter TL in such a long time, but I have become very bad at checking it lately. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. Best wishes. Sheila
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sheila x
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