Launch Day ... and a Misfit Mystery

As if you didn't already know, today is publication day for 'Gettting To Know Me' and I'm a tad excited.

But something has got me a bit hacked off.

A friend of a friend went to download one of my books based on recommendation, searching on my name alone.  Imagine her surprise when she found out that it was ... and I use this term lightly ... porn.  Exceptionally badly written porn.

Not only that, but this OTHER Amanda Egan has posted all of her trash on MY Goodreads page so, to all intents and purposes, they look like I've written them because they also link to my author profile.  Not good.

In trying to Google this elusive Amanda Egan, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - on the web about her.  Suspicious, huh?

We have now contacted Goodreads to ask them to trace the person who posted them on the WRONG page and in the meantime we have our detective hats on - something we're rather good at.

I wouldn't like to think that someone is doing this with malicious intent to damage my hard-earned reputation but if it turns out to be the case this person needs to know that we are like dogs with bones and they won't get away with it - and there will be consequences.

So ... readers beware.  I do not, and never will write porn or erotica and if I did, it would be a damned sight better than the dross this person is churning out.

Rant over!  Go download a decent read here and I'll get back to my sleuthing.

My new Summer Read - "Getting to Know Me"

Well, here we are at last.  New book, new release date, same old nerves!

My TWELFTH full-length novel will hit Amazon and Lulu on Wednesday 28th June.

In the meantime, here's the cover reveal, blurb and first chapter.

Enjoy!

 

THE BLURB 

Penny seems to have the perfect life.
A fantastic job on a country manor estate
with lodgings thrown in and a fit boss
who's more like a friend.

Everything about her is highly organised.
Except for affairs of the heart.

When conventional methods fail, how far
is she prepared to go to find herself a husband?

At the risk of jeopardising her friendships
- and indeed her livelihood -
can she learn to listen to her heart
rather than her head to discover that ...

... love is what happens while you're
busy making other plans?


 * * * * * 

Chapter One

A word of advice.  Sitting on the loo in a nightclub at three a.m. after a bottle of wine, three glasses of champagne and a tequila slammer is not the ideal place to have a light-bulb moment.  Trust me, being surrounded by other women's hen night vomit, trails of discarded toilet paper and empty tampon tubes really isn't the environment you want to be in when you look in your handbag and realise you've messed up.

Monumentally.

And all because of the wrong bloody evening bag.

*****

That afternoon at work had been totally manic.  Had it been quieter I might not have found myself perched on a clammy toilet seat contemplating my rather dodgy future, because I'd have had the time to head into town and pick up the beaded clutch I'd ordered to go with my outfit for the coming evening.

But no.  From the minute I hit my desk, problems after problems reared their ugly heads until by the time it got to two o'clock, I knew that there was no way I'd be enjoying the relaxing afternoon off that I'd planned.

So I put in a quick call to best friend Evie and mumbled my request through a mouthful of 'egg and stress' sandwich - as my dear mum used to call them.

'Sorry, Pen,' Evie interrupted.  'I can't understand a word you're saying.  Have you been to the dentist or something?  Or maybe you're having some sort of attack at the realisation that you need to call this ridiculous farce of a marriage off.'

Ignoring the wedding lectures that had become part of her daily routine, I carried on regardless.

'Hmmph, cang u ... gulp ... splutter ... collect ... bag ...'

Swallowing down the hurried bite I'd taken, I continued, 'Oh, Evie!  Sorry, it's batshit mad here today.  I haven't had time to scratch and I'm just wolfing down my lunch before I faint from hunger.  I just wondered if you'd have time to nip into Accessorize and pick up the bag I ordered.  I'll be lucky to get away from here before six tonight.  Bloody Logan is driving me up the wall!  I don't know what he'll do when I'm on honeymoon.'

As Evie agreed to run my errand for me and I hung up, Bloody Logan - my boss - appeared in the doorway, clearly having heard what I'd said and smiling in the way that only he can, mud on his wellies, holes in his cashmere jumper and unruly curls going in all directions.

'What will I do when you're on honeymoon?' he repeated.  ‘Hmm, well now, let's see shall we, Penny?  I shall mope and mourn, dragging myself around the estate with ashen face and sunken eyes and the business will more than likely go fun-bags up.  But then you shall return to the fold, wave your magic wand over everything and all will be restored to order.  Oh, and you'll probably realise the error of your ways and be asking me for advice on divorce proceedings because, let's face it Perfect Penny, you are being a bit of a tit.'

Opening my mouth to defend myself, I was stopped in my tracks when he leaned over my desk to wipe a crumb from the side of my lips.

'Got a stray bit of cress there.  Not a good look.'

Licking the offending morsel from his finger, he turned to leave adding, 'By the way, Ma wants to see you up at the manor before you go.  Something about a wedding present.  I told her not to bother 'cos it won't last but you know Ma - can't tell her anything.  My gift to you will be a shoulder to cry on and the name of a good lawyer - you can thank me later.'

Stuffing the last of my sandwich defiantly in my mouth, I pulled a face behind his back.  Why did everyone have such a problem with my impending nuptials?

*****

There are a few things you should know about my job, my boss, my life and how I'd come to be considered (A) Miss Perfect and (B) Momentarily deranged.

Living and working in a small village on the outskirts of Oxford was like a dream come true.  Landing the position at Grangeford Manor was everything I could have hoped for.  It was challenging, varied and fun, allowing me the scope to stretch myself and implement new ideas and initiatives - more of that later - and I'm not blowing my own trumpet here but, had it not been for some of my brainwaves, Logan and his family might not have been sitting quite as prettily on their threadbare silk cushions as they were now.

Anyway, I digress.  Grangeford Manor is the humongous house that sits at the back of approximately ten acres of stunning Oxfordshire land in an area called Sunningford.  With more rooms than I care to count, it houses Logan in the left wing and the rest of his family everywhere else.  Literally everywhere else - scattered like confetti after a windy wedding.  Various staff help to keep the manor running smoothly - I use this term lightly, as chaos seems to be the major force of The Newton-Barr family.  On occasions, Logan's brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and other assorted waifs appear for short - occasionally longer - stays and I never quite know who might pop into my office at any given time with some weird request.  In fact once Christiana, Logan's youngest sister, asked me to call the doctor for the morning after pill as she was so hung-over her eyes couldn't focus on the phone that her hands were too shaky to hold.

That's the sort of job I have!

But my main role is the organisation and running of the estate's converted barns - one of which is my office, another my home, four permanent rentals and three holiday lets.  Again, there's never a dull moment and the responsibility for these, combined with the events we now offer up at the manor, keep me chasing my tail like a dog with mange.

Logan and I have a great working relationship.  He can fly off the handle and appear distracted and curt sometimes but I've always known how to throw calming waters on his raging fire and, most of the time, we share easy banter and muddle along quite nicely.  Lady Finola, his mother, often joked that we were like an old married couple.  To which I'd blush and Logan would mumble.  He's my boss and my friend - that's all, except things became complicated for a while.  Anyway, the family was always telling me that they didn't know what they'd do without me.  My eye for detail, my efficiency and what they called my natural knack for troubleshooting and muck-cleaning when the shit hit the fan, had got them out of many a scrape over the years.

'She's just perfect!' was the line I'd hear the most.  Which, funnily enough, was what my parents always used to say about me.  It's a lofty description to live up to but my mission in life has always been to simply do my best and never let people down.  Years of being a Brownie, Guide, milk monitor, prefect and Head Girl are deeply ingrained in me.  I make no apologies!

The first seven years here were the happiest I'd ever been.  A new start, a fab career and salary all with stunning digs thrown in.  My social life had never been better, dating came easily to me and I generally had a high old time.  Meeting Spence was the icing on the cake - or so I'd thought.  He was also settled in a great job, had the same OCD tendencies for order and precision as I did and seemed to share a similar set of values.  Of course, Logan never took to him but I became used to his snide comments and allowed them to run off me like water from Donald and Daffy, who liked to come and waddle around in puddles outside my barn door.

It wasn't until my mother became unwell that I started seeing Spence through Logan's eyes - a little too pristine to hang around and witness the ugliness of impending death.  In short, when the going got tough, the tough became a wet fart and scurried off with a stream of pretty poor excuses faster than a priest could read the Last Rites.

Logan and his family on the other hand, couldn't have been more accommodating.  Knowing that my poor mum had a morbid fear of dying in hospital, they converted one of the barn rentals so that she could live out her final months in comfort and with me never more than a moment away.  They employed a nurse for the times that I couldn't be there and, towards the end, they recruited a temp for my job so that I could be by her side the whole time.  Through their kindness I had the comfort of being with her when she passed and for that I will always be grateful.

Suffice it to say, losing my mum took its toll.  My life suddenly seemed to have got stuck on the pause button and I was scared.  An only child, with no other family to speak of, my mother had been my one constant and, still reeling from Spence's abandonment, I found myself questioning the point of anything.  OK, so he probably hadn't been The One but, drained from the trauma of my loss, I felt like an anchorless boat, bobbing around in a turbulent sea with no idea of the direction in which I should be heading.

What is it the experts say about grief?  Don't make any hasty decisions for at least two years?  Yeah, well I didn't listen to that one, did I?  My life wasn't perfect.  It was a mess - and watching someone you love die before your very eyes makes you question your own mortality - I didn't want to die alone.  I didn't want to live alone so I made the decision to take the bull by the horns and get me a husband - even if it meant paying for one.

*****

The rest of the afternoon leading up to my hen night flew by in a haze.  Any trips to the hairdressers or nail bar in preparation for my so called big send-off, flew out of the window as I juggled calls from prospective holiday renters and meetings with cleaning contractors or caterers for various upcoming events.

Logging out of my computer at just gone six, I figured I'd have just enough time for the quickest of showers before heading off to meet the girls at the restaurant we'd booked prior to hitting a club.

'Erm ... Penny?  Here ...'

Logan had appeared in the doorway and was shuffling uncomfortably.  'Take this towards your evening.  I still think you're off your tiny little rocker but ... well, have a good one and have a drink or three on the family.  With any luck a few bottles of bubbly might give you the clarity you need.'

He handed me two envelopes and prepared to leave.  'Oh, and by the way, Ma's conked out after too many lunchtime G&T's so she said she'll see you on Monday but that I should give you this.'  He pointed to the pink envelope in my hand along with the brown one which clearly contained money.  'She apologised for forgetting that she had it but said that you know what she's like and ...'

I'd ceased to hear any other words that came from his mouth as the familiarity of the handwriting on the pink envelope was etched on my brain.

It was from my mum.

*****

'What d'you mean, you didn't read it?  How could you resist?'

Evie had arrived at my barn after work in an attempt to do something with my hair when she'd heard that I'd had to cancel my salon appointment.  The bane of my life, my curls turn to frizz if not completely tamed and my best friend knew how cranky I'd be if I headed out for the night looking like a blonde Ronald McDonald after a trip through a car wash.

'It just didn't seem the right time,' I explained.  'I didn't want to rush it as that didn't seem fitting and I didn't want to be upset before tonight.  I mean, let's face it, nothing's exactly gone according to plan for tonight, has it?  No pampering, no down time and no sodding evening bag to go with my outfit either.'

'Look, Pen.  I've said I'm sorry.  I was running late myself and the shop had just shut by the time I got there.  I did remember to bring that sequinned one that you bought for the launch party up at the manor and then loaned to me for Drew's wedding.  I'm not totally useless - and you have to remember, we can't all be as organised as you.  Come on, have another glass of fizzy and let's get going.  It's not every night I get to be head hen to my best friend.  Let's make this a night to remember and when we get back later, I'll be here when you read your letter from your mum.  You're right, it's probably better that way.'

*****

Fast forward a few hours and we're into the toilet scene again - my moment of spending a penny as another dropped, shall we say.

I'd left the dance floor desperate for a wee and a make-up repair after much raucous dancing and laughing.

Hovering over the toilet seat - years of having 'germs' drummed into me by Mum - I rummaged in my bag for a tissue after discovering that the paper dispenser next to me was empty.

As I pulled it out, something came with it from an inside pocket - damn Evie for bringing this bag for me - my world tilted on its axis, my legs turned to jelly beneath me and my buttocks landed slap-bang on the cold, damp loo seat.

Mum would not have approved.

Studying my find in my hand, time stood still and my heart almost stopped with it.

A Polaroid photo taken up at the manor's launch four years previously.  Crinkled and a little torn at the edges.  A snapshot in time.  In many ways, history - in other ways still so very much the present.  Him and me.

My boss - and what I suddenly realised had been my secret and buried crush for more years than I cared to remember.  But sadly not the man I was about to head down the aisle to in a week's time.

Because - and prepare yourself - I'd never actually set eyes on the man who I was due to marry.  Truth.  Oh, I'd been sent an image in an email but that was the sole extent of my visual knowledge of him.

And in a flash I could at last see why everyone had declared me totally bonkers.  My decision to take control of my life and force things that should come naturally suddenly seemed like a bad idea.  A very bad idea indeed.

If you enjoyed this taster, 'Getting to Know Me' is now available to pre-order ahead of its release this Wednesday.  Grab a copy now by clicking on the link below.

 UK
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AUSTRALIA

The Little Things

On this day, last year, I shared a very special meal with the most important woman in my life. My lovely mum, of course.

It wasn't in a fancy-schmanzy restaurant with bubbles and fawning waiters.  We weren't dressed up to the nines, knocking back the wine (our favourite tipple).  It was on the side of her bed at her bedside cabinet, in the cosiness of her bedroom, with her tucking into fish and chips that my husband had prepared.  I remember he'd over-cooked the criss-cross chips as (for obvious reasons) life was a little chaotic at the time but my mum wolfed them down like a woman possessed declaring that she was starving!  We laughed and joked and, for a while, I let myself believe that all would be well in the world.

Just that afternoon she'd been visited by an acupuncturist who seemed to have worked her magic and prior to that we'd been giggling with my sister as we tested our mum on her times tables.  Boy, was she good at those!  Years of war-time schooling that drummed them into you were to be thanked for that.

After her meal, she said she wanted a wash.  I wasn't to know but this was to be the last time I would pamper and preen her - a full wash from the sink as she perched on the loo seat, legs and arms moisturised with new smellies she'd received for Christmas, a clean nightie and then back into bed where she cheekily 'ordered' cheese and biscuits because she was still 'starving'!

The next day, quite calmly, she called us all in to say her goodbyes.  I wouldn't have thought it possible for someone to be so clear-headed about the fact that it was time to leave the world unless I'd witnessed it for myself.  She knew - it was as simple as that - and she wanted to make sure that she'd said what she needed to.

Heart-breakingly sad but, at the same time, so lovely when you think of how many people don't get the chance to plan and say their farewells and then leave this world from the comfort of their own bed surrounded by love.

I guess the point of this piece - other than to honour and remember my mum - is to say take the time to do little things with those you love because you just never know if it's going to be your last chance.

I treasure that evening with my mum.  It will be etched in my heart forever and tonight I'll raise a glass to her and I know that she'll remember why I'm doing it.

My Fundraising Evening

Saturday 12th November was the culmination of months of hard work and saw us holding our Age UK fundraising Vintage Evening at The Telegraph Pub, Putney.  I felt that I needed to find a positive in losing my lovely mum earlier this year and, as she volunteered for Age UK into her early 80's, this seemed the most fitting way.  She also loved a good party and a glass of wine so I know she would have approved!

It was a massive success and I believe that all of those who attended would agree.  Many people said that it should be made a yearly event so I guess we must have done something right and when a complete stranger approached me and told me that my mum would have been very proud, I must admit I felt very touched.

The Prosecco flowed, 'For The Boys' got everybody singing along and then we hit the dance floor and shimmied to tunes of the past until midnight.

The event raised just over £1,300 (including raffle sales - see list of generous contributors below) and every penny will be winging its way to Age UK Wandsworth.  HUGE thanks to all who donated and took part.

So ... a pretty heavy-on-the-photos blog but I think they speak louder than words. Much love and thanks to my photographers Mireille and Elizabeth and also for their help. Also to my lovely 'Fenella' for her raffle-ticket-selling-skills!

 

Our welcome table, including a picture of my mum in her 20s.

Checking in table with cardboard gramophone made by

Mr Misfit and coveted by many!

... and in close-up

The heavily laden raffle table - over 30 prizes!

With my partner in crime (Mr Misfit is NOT happy with this pic because it makes him look every type of old)

My Twitter buddy Mireille who flew from Scotland

and worked her little socks off.

HIDEOUS photo of me but it's what it was all about!

The guests embraced the theme and came in their finery.

 We were delighted to welcome a party from The Dover House singers.

Son Ben and his fiancee Kiki

Tables set and ready for action

Round 1 of the Wartime buffet

'For The Boys' giving it their all.

Audience participation included playing the spoons (on bottoms!), The 'Hokey Cokey'

and 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

Daughter-in-law-to-be treated us to

a song from 'Grease'

Sadly there are no pictures of the dancing action.

Photographer and son flopped after the event!

My feet are still recovering.

The reason behind it all.

Cheers to my lovely mum.

Raffle prizes donated by local businesses.

-  A year's subscription to Tastecard (£29.99) Save £100's on meals.

-  Bill's Restaurant' voucher (£50)

-  'Headmasters' hairdressing voucher - cut and blow dry (£45)

-  'The Avenue London Cookery School' voucher - 'Simple Suppers' (£60)

-  'Cook' voucher (£20)

-  'The Flower Yard', Putney - flower arrangement

-  'London Grace Nails', Putney - goodie bag (£33)

-  2 adult day passes for Red Rover City Cruises (£33.50)

-  2x bottles of Sipsmith's Gin (RRP: £20) and 1x London Cup (£19.50) - THREE SEPARATE PRIZES

-  Oliver Bonas voucher (£20)

-  Dance Lab, Putney - voucher for 2 for a 4 week Beginner's Course (£100)

-  Dinner for 2 with wine at The Telegraph, Putney

-  Large box of luxury chocolate macaroons from 'Drop Dead Chocolates' (£29.95)

-  Voucher for Côte Brasserie, Wimbledon Village (£60)

-  Pamper night with arm & hand massages, wine and chocolates for up to 15 guests at L'Occitane, Putney

-  A 'Well Being' hamper from 'A Time to Heal' Glasgow (includes a voucher for Pizza Express)

-  Wagamama vouchers (£45)

-  Waitrose voucher (£25)

-  Voucher from Award winning 'Village Butchers' Southfields (£25)

-  Magazine subscription with iSubscribe - glossies delivered to your door (£20)

-  Ed's Diner voucher (£30)

-  3 x vouchers (SEPARATE PRIZES) for dinner for 4 at The HG Wells, Worcester Park

-  One month's gym membership with Nuffield Health, Wandsworth (£73) PLUS Personal Trainer voucher (£50)

-  Goody bag from 'Planet Organic' (£40)

-  Delta Force Paint-balling entrance for 10 (£100) To buy own paintballs.

-  Sainsbury's voucher (£20)

-  Itsu Japanese food voucher (£20)

-  Fuller’s Brewery tour and ale tasting for 2 (£24)

My Week and its Lessons

Mr Misfit was admitted to hospital this week.  I won't go into details but a check up at the hospital on Monday (after a reaction to some medication) saw him admitted there and then, and surgery performed on Friday.

Finding myself suddenly without my partner in crime, and bearing in mind that we are together 24/7, taught me a few things.

* Not driving for 6 months, is a bad move. When you then HAVE to get back behind the wheel, your confidence is shot.

*  When a friend then offers to drive you to the hospital in her Porsche to re-acquaint you with the route, do a quick finishing school course.  Legs were everywhere, bum and back contorted in a very unladylike fashion.

* Getting back in your own car and negotiating London traffic after such a long break is actually as easy as falling off a bike.  IF you have petrol in the car.  Getting petrol - after possibly five years - wasn't so hard either.

*  NHS nurses still range from FANTASTIC to WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS PROFESSION?! If someone calls at 8pm to ask if their loved one is back from surgery, DO NOT say, 'He's not back yet, ring in the morning.'  Also, don't send someone to surgery with no wrist band and such a poor command of the English language that the forms you should have filled in days ago leave you asking, 'What is dental crown?  What is cap?'

*  Hospital food can be astonishingly good.  Either my husband has become institutionalised or he hates my cooking because all I ever hear about is how good his meals are.

*  Parking at a hospital is bad for your blood pressure.  THIRTY minutes of driving around looking for a space almost hospitalised me!

* You learn who your true friends are and how far they will go to keep your pecker up and offer company in their own ways. Visits, meals, drinks, texts and calls have kept me sane through a tough time.

*  Being a self-employed writer is a Godsend.  I've earned money without needing to worry about working.

*  Christmas shopping (online) is a great distraction and disposes of hours.

* A free Word Search app on your Kindle can get you through those worrying hours of surgery.  Who'd have thought it could take so long to find the word. 'Loo'!  I was just willing Mr Misfit to come round just so that he could find it for me!

But most of all, I've realised how much I miss my mum - do we ever stop needing them? - and how much we relied on each other.  And, of course, how much I love Mr Misfit.  He is such a huge driving force in my life and, without him, I feel as if my battery is missing.

Roll on tomorrow and (hopefully) his return home - there's another word I can't find in my Word Search!

Wandsworth Charity Event

Anyone who knew my lovely mum would know that she was worth celebrating.  I wanted to mark her passing in a positive and happy way - a way she would have been proud of.

As a Putney resident for most of her life and a willing volunteer for Age UK Wandsworth and their 'Be a Friend' scheme - even into her early 80's! - raising money for them seemed the obvious choice.  Imagine my delight when I rang them to propose my fundraising idea and they readily remembered her and sang her praises.

So ... Putney/Wandsworth/London residents, why not come and join us at a local event that promises to be heaps of fun and all for a good cause (click on picture below for details).  Age UK works tirelessly to support the elderly.  They recognise that growing old can be lonely but their vision is for a world where everyone can love later life.

And if you can't be with us on the night but would like to support my cause, please visit my JustGiving page and donate as little or as much as you can.  On behalf of my mum and the elderly residents of Wandsworth, I thank you.

With thanks to Mr Cute

About 18 months ago I decided it was time for us to have a dog in our lives again, having lost our beloved rescue dog Ralfie back in 1997.  Looking back, it could have been considered madness. I had an elderly mother to care for and two cats - one who gave the impression that she'd never accept a canine intruder in her house.

Today we celebrate the first year of Alfie living with us and I do it with much joy and a hint of sadness.  I now know that I was led to him (and he was led to me) for a reason.  Put quite simply, I wouldn't have coped as well with the passing of my mum if it hadn't been for him.  He's given me a reason to get up, to smile and to feel love again.  There's nothing quite like doggy kisses first thing in the morning when you wake up feeling low.

I firmly believe that my dad popped the idea into my head on the fateful day that I decided it was 'doggy time' again - he knew it would be what I'd soon need in my life to help me through.

Today reaffirmed that 'stuff' happens for a reason.  On Alfie's first anniversary with us, he more or less re-enacted a pose that our much missed Ralfie did all those years ago. 

Right dog, right time, right place.

From Ralfie to Alfie

And furthermore, he was the inspiration behind my latest novel, 'KISSING FROGS AND DOGS'. So thank you, Alfie.  For the love, the laughs, the hope and the massive lump I have in my heart and my throat as I write this.  As a bundle of cute, you do a pretty good job.

PS:  Mrs Nervy Cat is now totally cool with her new house-mate.  It took a year, of her taking sanctuary in her 'penthouse' above the fridge, but we got there in the end!