Excuse me, you just got my goat

I’m running with one of the Twitter trends today with “Ways to Pee me off”.  I know I’ve blogged about my Room 101’s before (see older post), so I’m venting my spleen purely about overly-used or irritating phrases.  I may be guilty of using some of them myself but there are a few here that I would never use and they just drive me nuts!

I admit that sometimes it’s not necessarily about what’s being said but the tone with which it’s delivered and whether or not it’s coming from the right place with good intentions.

So let’s kick off with …

“Listen …”

Ok, I’m sitting talking to you, what else would I be doing?  Frankly, this word should never be used on anyone but a toddler in need of ‘Super Nanny’.  Please don’t say it to me, unless I appear to be hysterical or having a major temper tantrum.

“I’m not being funny but …”

So if you’re not being funny, why do you need to start the sentence with it?  I just know that I’m not going to enjoy the words which follow and you’ve set me up for a fall.  Think Nessa in ‘Gavin & Stacey’ and it says it all.  This sentence is never followed by a gag, a punch-line or even the hint of a giggle - it’s designed to cause damage.

“To be honest …”

Hmmm?  I would expect you to be honest with me all of the time.  So normally you’re not?

“If I were you …”

Yes, well you’re NOT.  You don’t walk in my shoes and have no right to tell me what you would do if you were me.

This is one of the ones that can be said at the right time to the right person when they are actually looking and asking for advice.  Never without invite.

It should also never be followed by “What you should have done …”  Hindsight is a great thing - don’t we all know that?

“They’ve gone to find themselves”

Hello?  You are where you are.  Running away to a retreat or trekking up Machu Picchu will still mean that you’ve taken the same mixed up person with you.  Deal with what you are, where you are and bloody well get on with it.  Running away means you return to the same ‘you’ - only maybe a bit more relaxed - your circumstances will still be there to overcome.

“We’re going to have a good drink”

So what’s a bad drink?  And why do you feel you need to go out and get absolutely bladdered to enjoy yourself?  It just sounds so pre-meditated and vulgar, as if it’s the be-all and end-all of your evening, rather than the company.

“If I could just stop you there?”

Actually, no, you can’t.  But because you’ve posed it so politely as a question, to make me look churlish if I refuse, I have no choice.  It doesn’t matter that I’m mid-flow with all my thoughts lined up, you’ve lost interest and decided that yours take precedence over mine.

“I did it on accident”

NO!  You did it by accident.  This appears to be a new one that kids have come up with but, I hate to say, it’s filtering into adult lingo.  What on earth is on accident?  I’m sorry it makes no sense to me.

“Marinade/marinate”

Being a bit of a foodie and addicted to ‘Come Dine With Me’ this one just drives me to distraction.  Let’s put it right once and for all … you make a marinade and you marinate over night.  One is a noun and one is a verb.

Phew!  That feels better.

Oh boy, just heard another one I hate … “What’s for dinner?”

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

A Week in the Life

Following in the footsteps of the lovely Frances Lewis (motherventing) I’m going to tell you five things that happened last week in the life of a Mummy Misfit.

We collected our son’s GCSE results.  The rain was pelting down and the skies were black (‘pathetic fallacy’, our son told us, remembering this from his English lessons!).  Well, he was right on the money where his English result was concerned - a C grade!  This didn’t really come as a surprise - he may have sprung from the loins of a writer but it’s his least favourite subject - he can spell any word in the English dictionary, has a fantastic vocabulary and the memory of an elephant but, ask him to write a structured essay and it all goes t*ts up!  Anyway, he managed to get 5 As, 3 B’s and 3 C’s.  Considering he took these exams a year early and missed almost two years of schooling due to school phobia (see older post) we were incredibly proud of him.  He achieved the grades he needs to do his chosen A levels - so it all begins again.

We then celebrated with his best friend and his family - a cosy dinner with drinks in the garden to start.  We toasted our boys’ successes with a cool glass of wine whilst the evil mozzies feasted on my deliciously succulent legs.  Gggggrrrr!  What is it with mosquitoes and me?  They just adore my blood and quite simply can’t get enough.  I’ve spent the last few days wriggling about and scratching like a leper. My normally slender ankle turned into a blotchy swollen ‘cankle’ and my calf looked like I had the muscle of a Russian shot-putter.   I HATE THEM … what purpose do they even serve?  I’m thinking of starting a ‘Down with Mozzie’ campaign.  Anyone want to join me or, if not, at least let me know why we have to share the planet with them?

We also had hubbie's sister and brother-in-law over from Australia for a few days.  The British weather was kind to us to begin with but on their last day it delivered what it does best - grey and constant drizzle.  What did we do with our guests who had travelled half way round the world to London?  We went bowling and then returned home to play Guitar Hero!  But then, as another rellie pointed out, I suppose it’s not what you’re doing, it’s who you’re doing it with.  A great time was had by all!  Especially when my sister-in-law decided to be the ‘Granny Go-Go Dancer’ in the mosh pit!  Oh and I also received the most fantastic Mummy Misfit apron from hubbie’s other sister.  It’s just perfect; frills, polka dots, a low cut neckline and even bling on the pocket.

I downloaded and read fellow Indie author Michelle Betham’s eBook, ‘Too Much Trouble in Paradise’.  This confirmed to me that publishers are missing out on a wealth of talent and now ‘sisters are doin’ it for themselves!’ (AKA, collectively with Laurel Mayer, the ‘Fabulous Feisty Indies’).  She whisked me through her plot with sparkling dialogue and the constant niggling question as to who the love-torn heroine would end up with.  Please support this new writer and, if you’re looking for a giggle with some Northern wit in the sunshine, you won’t be disappointed.

The final piece of excellent good news we received this week is that my lovely nephew may finally be well enough to return to his part time job in October after being unable to work since last December.  Let me share this lovely chap with you.  Born prematurely, 38 years ago, he has learning difficulties.  You couldn’t wish to meet a more sociable and lovable guy - the life and soul of any party with a smile that can light a room and some pretty mean dance moves!  Just before Christmas last year he started to have pains in his side with violent bouts of sickness.  He was finally diagnosed with pancreatitis as a gall stone had made its way through the lining of his pancreas.  This could have been life-threatening.  Christmas was a blur for him (and a massive worry for our family) as he was on constant morphine and rigged up to an epidural.  Endless procedures later, he finally left hospital five months later, although still attached to drains and feeding drips.  I don’t know of anyone who could have endured what he went through while still (mainly) managing to keep a smile on his face and a joke for the nurses.  His courage and determination should be a lesson to all of us in our family and I take my hat off to him.  He’s an incredibly special person and a much loved nephew - I hope he knows that - and if my son grows up to be half as decent as him, I’ll be a proud mum.

So that’s a few happy happenings from the past week of a Mummy Misfit.  Who knows what next week will bring, but let’s hope it involves more good news.

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Touch Wood

Are you superstitious?

I like to think that I’m (mostly) a sane and sensible individual, who knows that chucking a smattering of spilt salt over my left shoulder really won’t keep the Devil away … but I still do it!

My best friend always says that, if you light a cigarette from a candle, a sailor somewhere will meet with his peril (weird lot, the Scottish).  If that’s the case, we must be responsible for a boatload of watery deaths by now as we tend to constantly misplace lighters.

My husband, brought up as a good Christian, has no truck with superstitions and will actually defy them just to dismiss them as ‘hocus pocus’.  If there’s a ladder to walk under, he’ll do it with a smile on his face and a spring in his step - makes him look a bit daft but he doesn’t care.

A have a niece who (at about the age of nine) was so obsessed with banging her second elbow if she’d hit the first accidently, I swear she walked around with bruised arms for about a year!  Thankfully she outgrew it as she looked like she was doing some sort of weird hokey-cokey.

In the 80’s I had a lovely Laura Ashley skirt and blouse in matching black floral print (I did say the 80’s - I’m not saying it would be a great look now!).  Whenever I wore this attractive ensemble, something awful would happen: an argument with a friend, a splitting headache or torrential rain to play havoc with my curly perm.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I jumped onto the back of a moving bus (dumb, I know, but I was late) and missed my footing, resulting in me being dragged behind the bus in my floral finery.

I never wore that outfit again!

Going to drama school meant never uttering the word ‘Macbeth’ backstage.  If you should let it slip, you must leave the theatre, spin around three times, spit and then knock to be allowed to re enter.  It’s said that Shakespeare wrote black magic into the witches’ spells and, as the play is so violent and physical, accidents will often happen.  My best friend can vouch for this.  Whilst playing the part of Lady Macbeth at a small theatre in Covent Garden (lunchtime performance, attended mainly by OAP’s) she’d overdone the hairspray to achieve the manic, demented look.  On her final exit with a candle she tripped and her hair began to catch light.  We managed to extinguish her fairly quickly but we heard a couple of biddies leaving the theatre saying, “Oooh, that was so realistic, but I never knew that was how she died, did you?”!

So what are my favourite superstitions?  The ones I just can’t drop, no matter how hard I try?

I’ll never put a new pair of shoes on the table - don’t ask me why, I’ve just had it drummed in to me from a very early age that it’s bad luck and I don’t want to tempt fate.

I won’t pick a flower up from the ground - someone will die!

I make sure I never have crossed knives on the table - an argument will follow.

I won’t burst a crisp packet - someone will lose their job.

I never do washing on New Year’s Day - it washes all your luck away for that year.  (Think this one was made up generations ago, just to give over-worked housewives a day off, but it suits me just fine!)

I always say “Hello Mr Magpie” three times if I see one on his own.  Can get you a few odd looks if you’re alone, but needs must!

I say ‘Bless you with the angels’ to my cats before I leave the house - I believe this keeps them out of harm’s way.

If I put my knickers on inside out, I have to leave them like that for the day despite my husband’s persistent offers to remove them and rectify matters.  Call it laziness, I call it good luck.

Do you have any weird superstitions to add to these - family orientated or otherwise?  Come on, spill the beans.

And, if you’ve been thinking about buying my book but have been putting it off, do it today or bad luck will befall you (only joking!).  Available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

A Writer's Rant

Dear Publishers       

Today I am hacked off, peed off and miffed.

It’s been a while coming, and I think I’ve done pretty well to hold off to this point, but today it finally hit.

You see, oh Great Ones, you missed out on me.  You let me slip through your net and we’re both losing out as a result.

What’s brought this on, I hear you ask?  Well, on my shopping trip today I saw a ‘proper published’ author signing copies of her books in W H Smith and I just had that little pang of ‘It should have been me’.

An advance from you came so tantalisingly close but, sorry, close is just not good enough anymore.  You backed out on me when the recession started to bite, and I’m going solo with an eBook instead, but now the bitterness is setting in.

I look at my reviews on Amazon and the majority of people who have bought my book say it’s a crime it’s not in paperback.  I also have countless people telling me that they would love to buy my novel if only it was in hard copy.

Doesn’t that tell you something?

It tells me that I have an audience out there who I’m not reaching.  No matter how hard I try, and how much I promote, I’ll always be missing out on a group of readers beyond my grasp.

Had I been a celebrity with a ditzy plot (obviously ghostwritten), I’d be splattered across the shelves before you could say “Jordan”.  But I’m not.  I’m just a little ol’ newbie with a good yarn to tell and (hopefully) the knack of giving readers a giggle.

The fact that I was asked by your top people to start on the sequel to Mummy Misfit (which I dutifully did), and that I’ve also started on my next project, add up to nothing.  The word culls and re-writes I was asked to complete can only have made my book better, but the fact remains I’m an unknown and that’s as far as you can see.

I was told by my agent that you’d given me ‘unprecedented praise for a first time author.’  (I have the emails to prove it!).

But where did it get me?

I’m prepared to spend every single day honing my craft.  There’s nothing I enjoy more than sitting down and working on my next project - I’m a grafter.  How many bloggers do you know who manage to post every day?  At the risk of boasting, I’m also promoting and writing every single one of those days.

Surely I’m worth taking a chance on?

So, publishers, I’m here for the long haul.  This is my dream and you won’t take it away from me.  I’ll keep on with the slog and I WILL make this work.

If you fancy lining your pockets by taking a chance on a newbie, you know where to find me …

… slogging over my laptop and churning out the next book for those who have asked for it.

Where else?

Yours sadly

Mummy Misfit

‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is only available on Amazon for Kindle, PC or iPhone.  Check out my great reviews and if you’re a publisher, get in touch!!  Now also in paperback at Lulu. - because you missed out!

Sound the Trumpets

Today I’m blowing my own trumpet - as an ‘Indie’ author I have no agent or publisher to do my grafting, so I guess it’s down to me.

Selling an ebook is hard work.  Besides promoting and working on my new novel, I blog here every day and try to think of new and innovative ideas to get ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ out there.

One of the things I do is ‘Tweet’ each time I get a new review, so today I’m using my blog platform to show off some of the lovely ones I’ve received in the UK.  Maybe those of you who have considered the book but not yet bought it will be swayed by my happy readers.

Remember this is only a selection, so you can always go to Amazon UK or .Com to check out my others (BTW, I don’t have a bad one yet - hope that’s not tempting fate!)

Here goes:

Miss Mootastic (North West England) - Wonderful weekend read.

Thoroughly enjoyed Diary of Mummy Misfit, its diary format made it extremely easy to read and would be an ideal holiday read. Some fabulous characters in the book a few of which we can all recognise in our own lives. There are parts in the book (too many to mention in this review) that had me laughing out loud. I am now looking forward to the next instalment of Mummy Misfit. Wouldn't hesitate in recommending this book to friends - in fact I already have!

Mandy McSherry - Brilliant!

What an absolutely brilliant book. I went to a state and private school as a child and as a parent. The book is so true to life. I don't normally read humour books, but every page either had me smiling by what was written, or laughing. The main character in the book I could totally relate to, she never quite fitted in the people who had money, but was so nicer than them. It shows what snobbery is like but with such humour. I could not put the book down and look forward to the next one. Well done Amanda.

Margaret P - What a giggle.

I was introduced to this book through a friend who had just finished it but I was reluctant to sit at the PC for hours on end to read it, not being a Kindle owner. The friend insisted as it was such a laugh so I gave in and gave it a go. Thank goodness I did. It really captures the silliness of monied but classless yummy mummies and made me laugh out loud more times that I can count. I really felt for the heroine as she stumbles her way through her new world and I loved the way the author builds up the jokes. A fab ending too and I'm really hoping that there will be a sequel. A crime that it isn't out in paperback as it would make a great light read for holidays Cheered me up, no end.

Tara L - A Kindle store gem

I discovered this book while browsing for a holiday read and wasn't disappointed.  I hadn't heard of the author, but the storyline appealed and the free download sample was as good as any chick lit I'd read in diary format. Brought plenty of laughs and the author perceptively sums up some very recognisable types you meet in the vulgar monied set. This isn't wealth bashing, but it makes you question who is richer. Something for everyone - chaotic family life, school gate competitiveness, gays, a cultural mix - all wrapped up in witty and well captured observations. A definite recommend!! If you like a diary, it's a grown-up Bridget Jones without the snobbery of Rachel Johnson. Should be in paperback.

C McShane (Belfast)

Apparently I was one of the 1st to download this fantastic book - it was also my 1st ever kindle purchase for my iphone. it was fab - really loved it. You relate to the characters immediately and the interaction between the best friends and the "yummy" mummys at the school was brilliantly done. I chose it after a quick free download of a couple of pages and was so delighted I did - I also was a bit dubious about it not being a "proper book" but to be honest, it was easier than I thought - couldn’t put it down and sat up one morning reading it until 4am. Highly recommend the book (and have done to my friends) and I can’t wait for the next book. I had never heard of the author before - but she is great in my opinion. Also following her blog too - hilarious take on life and I wish I was more like her in her outlook on life Keep up the good work Amanda :-)

C.R Wood (Dorset) - Something special

Amanda Egan has written an engaging, delightful and impacting book. I'd agree with all the other reviewers, adding that the pace of the story is excellent and the diary-viewpoint drifts us along naturally with central character, Libby, who arrives at a watershed moment in her life, when Max, her young son is sent to private schooling. Libby and her husband Ned, are introduced to a new and breath-takingly dislikeable set. One moment the reader is laughing and the next, almost in tears with empathy for this beleaguered, but well-intentioned Mummy Misfit. A perfect title! This book really is cleverly written. Perhaps Amanda has touched on the most unnerving aspects of private schooling, but this is an honest book, written in language we can all understand and relate to, which is why it is so successful. Diary of a Mummy Misfit should be swept up by a publisher and given the support and marketing it truly deserves in traditional publishing. Well done to this talented author!

So there you go, trumpet well and truly blown.

Check it out on the Amazon links above - you’ve got nothing to lose but a giggle!

Now also available in paperback at Lulu. 

A Stick of Brighton Rock

How many people have you met in your life who you believe are good, through and through?  The type who don’t seem to have a nasty bone in their body.

You must know who I mean - those who you can’t imagine ever having a bad word to say about anyone, but will always see the good in people.

I bet you can count them on less than one hand.

Let’s be honest, most of us have our bitchy side.  I don’t claim to be perfect (far from it!) and I’m often guilty of making a comment about someone (known or unknown) that should possibly have stayed inside my head and never been voiced.

But then you meet those who you know never think badly of anyone.  What a lovely way to live a life. To find yourself in a place where you always see the best - to never judge, criticise or snipe but just accept others for what they are.

I would say that my lovely husband comes pretty close to one of these types but I’ve heard the comments he’s made on the hugeness of somebody’s bottom or the fact that a particular person should never have worn their chosen outfit.  So, sorry hubbie, not ‘nil point’ but possibly ‘sept points’ for niceness.

If we’re talking ‘dix points’ for perfection, I’ve met two of the species - an aunt and an in-law (who I’m not prepared to give any further description of, for fear of embarrassment!)

My aunt has sadly passed away now but I can’t remember her ever uttering a nasty word.  She glowed with ‘niceness’. She giggled through life, and not in a dippy, girly way - she was just quite simply kind, decent and content with herself and others.

My in-law is a quiet person.  They ooze peace and love.  Their presence is calming and silently wise.  A nod of their head can speak volumes.

Oh, for their inner calm and non-judgmental outlook.

Logically thinking, who are we to judge others?  What gives us the right to comment on another’s life or their choices?  Why should we clutter our brains with others’ decisions - whether that’s something as simple as a dodgy outfit or as complicated as drug or alcohol abuse?

Perhaps we all need to remember the quote from ‘To Kill A Mocking Bird’: “You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them.”

Would this make us all more forgiving and tolerant of one another if we took this on board?

I know in my heart that I go through life always doing the best that I can by people (and I still find myself in trouble).  I have the occasional bitch but deep down I believe I’m a kind person with a good heart.

I’d still like to be one of the ‘dix points’ group though and, just like a piece of Brighton Rock, have pure ‘niceness’ running right through the core of me.

Where would you put yourself on the scale and how many of the type do you know?

Diary of a Mummy Misfit is available at Amazon for Kindle.  Now also in paperback at Lulu.

Mushy Brain Days

As I’ve now started work on my second novel, I realise that there are some days when I sit down to write that I could carry on for hour upon hour.  The storyline has written itself and is desperate to get itself out of my head and on to the laptop.  Some nights I have to force myself to stop and go to bed or I would find myself tippy-tapping into the wee small hours.

These are the days I love.  The days I’ve learnt to nurture and cherish.

Because not every day is like that.

There are the days when my brain feels like treacle, words won’t put themselves in order, characters won’t behave and as for the plot - forget it!

I used to panic when I had these days - what if I’d lost the knack and it never came back to me?  But of course the more you panic the more damage you do - beating yourself up never helps to produce more words.

So I quite simply accepted that there are days when it flows and days when it doesn’t - the ‘Bunged-Up Days’.  Once I’d had my epiphany, I realised the importance of making the most of the ‘Flowing Days’ because I never know when I’ll hit the next blip.

I guess I was lucky writing the Misfit Diary because I rarely had a day that I struggled.  It was written in three months but then, of course, took many months of editing and re-writing - it really felt as if it wrote itself and I was just a channel for it.

My next novel isn’t a diary and is slightly weightier in characters and plot, so there are times when I just find the whole process quite daunting.  A book is a huge amount of work.  How did I ever write one in the first place?  The trouble is, once you’ve been bitten by the bug, there’s no getting away from it.

So when I hit the ‘Bunged-Up Days’ what do I do?  If any of you writers out there can identify with some of these diversionary tactics, I’d be grateful if you’d let me know - I’m sure I’m not the only one.

1.. Sit at laptop and look out of window.  Mmm, nice pigeon.

2  Hover fingers over keyboard and wait for the ‘Writing Fairy’ to visit.

3  Look up to see if pigeon has gone yet.

4  Realise coffee is cold and make way to kettle.

5  Clean work surface - this always makes me feel virtuous.

6  Take coffee back to laptop and hover hands again.

7  Type a line, re-read it, delete.

8  Realise coffee is no good without a bar of chocolate.

9  Go to cupboard to get chocolate and feed cat while there.

10  Talk to cat.

11  Feed other cat.

12  Talk to other cat.

13  Return to laptop and find that ‘Writing Fairy’ is still not visiting.

14  Go to loo for inspiration and change of scenery.

15  Wander the house aimlessly, scratching head and cursing.

16  Decide to put some washing on.

17  Go through notes to see if they deliver any clues as to what the hell I should be doing.

18  Start a very intricate doodle and then realise that half of it covers my notes for chapter three.

19  Check Twitter for messages.  Then Facebook.  Then Amazon sales.  Then Hotmail.

20  Realise that today is just not my day!

Come on writers, please, tell me that you too have days like this and keep me company.  Must dash now as I truly believe that Chapter three is calling - straight after I’ve made a cup of coffee!

‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ is a tale of not belonging.  Check it out on Amazon and read my reviews too.  Now also available in paperback at Lulu.